If you're looking for the funniest stuff, I suggest starting with the Steve, Don't Eat It Homage and then the travel category. You're on your own with the older posts that have yet to be categorized.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Hot Button Issue

I'm not sure if you should be reading this post at work. If you are, please keep both hands where I can see them.

The conversation (from recent Dr. 90210 show) went something like this (with info from the website in parenthesis):
("In the consultation process your doctor will educate you on the G-Spot and how to localize it.")
doctor: You're going to go into a private room, insert your finger into your vagina and feel around about 3 inches in on the top for your G-spot.

The patient leaves the current room and then comes back some time later. She is now lying on an exam table, knees bent and legs akimbo. (Man, I hope I'm using "akimbo" correctly. It's such a fun word.)
("You will be positioned on the examination table as if you are “getting a PAP smear” and the doctor will do a pelvic exam and measurement of the G-Spot based upon your direction."
doctor: You know where your G-spot is now?
patient: Yeah, I think.
doctor: OK. I'm going to insert my finger and move it around and your going to tell me the spot is further in or out, left or right. OK?

This guy creeps me out and I don't even have a G-spot.

Now, why is this doctor locating this patient's G-spot? Because she's come in (no pun intended) for a G-Shot. Here's the scoop:

The speculum, which has the location of the G-Spot on it will be inserted into the vagina and then a small needle will be used to deliver a small amount of local anesthetic in the area of the G-Spot. Then the collagen product will be injected.
Yes. The "collagen product".
[...] specifically, a collagen containing compound termed Fascian. To make Fascian, fascia is removed, carefully treated and preserved[...]
I imagine houses all across the country are being torn down to harvest their fascia. But actually "Fascian is typically processed gastrocnemius fascia." Gastrocnemius is Latin for "green onions from Taco Bell".

Now that your G-spot is the size of a house (and has the fascia to prove it), and will stay that way for up to 4 months (like 2000 Flushes) what was the point? Well, just look at these testimonials:
“During my spinning class I have this smile on my face and people think that I am enjoying my workout but actually I am sexually aroused.” [I hear ya. I hate spinning class.]

“I was driving down the freeway in LA and talking to my girlfriend from NY on the cell and all of a sudden I started laughing and she asked what I was laughing about and I told her I just got this G-Shot and I had an orgasm while driving” [Liar! Driving in LA. Sheesh.]

“After my G-Shot I get sexually aroused performing yoga” [You're doing it wrong.]

“Thanks to the G-Shot®, I am always turned on” [So was Vincent from Project Runway.]

“My G-Spot is always present and ready for action at a moments notice” [G-Spot present and accounted for, SIR!]
Hey, if you just paid $1400 for this procedure, you better think something great was happening.

Of course, everything is not cookies and sausages. There can be side effects such as "Mental preoccupation of the G-Spot", 'A feeling of always being “turned on”' (also known as a "testimonial"), "Vesico-vaginal fistula" (banned in 27 states) and "Erosion" (so be aware if you've built a house below your vagina and if it gets knocked down, be sure to harvest its fascia).

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