Go On, Scat!

Let me see if I've got this straight. This guy who is recovering from bypass surgery is shopping at Home Depot. He goes into this public restroom and sits on the toilet. He does not notice that there is glue/liquid/etc. before sitting. He does not wipe the seat before sitting. He does not cover the seat with toilet paper. Lo and behold, he finds himself glued to the seat.

He thinks to himself "I'm having a heart attack." What? Did I must have miss the American Heart Association bulletin which listed "ass feels like it is being torn off" as a symptom of a heart attack?

He calls out for help which is dismissed initially as a hoax. It takes 15 minutes until paramedics are summoned. Can we assume that during this time nobody else went to the bathroom? How often do people use the bathroom at Home Depot? What are the chances that someone went into the bathroom, smeared glue on the seat and it didn't dry until Toilet Man copped a squat?

Upon hearing this gripping tail tale, others have cast doubt on the story, claiming he made a similar allegation last year. Also, in 1976 he was charged with filing a false police report, which he claims not to remember (perhaps he lost his memory when part of his ass was ripped off).

The Toilet Man claims to have "suffered from post-traumatic stress syndrome, nightmares and diabetes after the incident." And also that the lawsuit is "not about the money." I must have missed the part we he says that all the money he wins will go to charity.

He's even willing to take a polygraph. I searched the Internet but could find no instructions on how to hook up a polygraph machine to a guy with his head up his ass.

If Home Depot doesn't flush this guy away, expect to see a bunch more crap like this bobbing around soon.