Why Me....Why Me?

I would so love to see this show but it's by invitation only.

TONYA & NANCY - THE OPERA

I Can't Hold This In

Where do you stand in the waterless urinal debate?

Liberty Property Trust is building the near 1000 ft. tall Comcast Center. They'd like to use waterless urinals but the plumbers union is pissed off and against it. These cowards are showing their true (yellow) colors. They claim their concerns are about sanitation but I think they are just pissing in the wind. In the end, the plumbers' union will lose and their power as a union will be diluted. What a waste.

In other urinal news, you may soon be able to grab your joystick and play a game at the same time.

A Study From Heaven

A study measuring the effect of prayer on surgical recovery has just been completed.

Researchers randomly assigned patients to three groups: One group was prayed for; one was not prayed for; and a third group was told that people were praying for it. None of the patients in the first two groups knew whether people were praying for them. Among patients who didn't know that they were being prayed for, 51%-52% had a post-surgical complication, according to the study. A statistically significant 59% of those who knew others were praying for them had a complication

Yes, you read that right. The group who knew people were praying for them actually fared worse.

These patients may have felt extra stress because they weren't allowed to tell doctors and nurses that they were being prayed for, says Charles Bethea, chief medical officer for the Integris Baptist Heart Hospital in Oklahoma City and a leader of the trial. Or, he says, they may have worried, "Are they so sick that they are calling in the prayer team?"

But there is a much more obvious answer. Remember that we are dealing with prayers to the Great and Powerful Oz here. Being omniscient, He knows about the study. Being omnipotent, He can impregnate anyone in the study. Clearly being worried about becoming pregnant has caused the increase in complications. Duh! Take that you heathens! Repent!

Well, It's No Plane Crash

The Miracle Miner, Randy McCloy, is heading home.

"Our family is glad to be going home," [his wife] said. "Today is another part of our miracle, just three months after the accident. However, there are 12 families who are in our thoughts and prayers today and every day."

That makes the score, 1 smitten, 12 smote. I hope they don't have any trouble finding their way home since

West Virginia Gov. Joe Manchin also announced that the street leading to McCloy's house is being renamed Miracle Road[...]

Now, Randy can relive his nightmare every time he leaves the house or gives someone directions to his house. The street the other miners lived on will, apparently, remain Tragedy Trail.

In other good news, McCloy appears to have retained all the knowledge of his West Virginia schooling. When asked whether he would return to mining he responded,

"No, I done learned my lesson[...]"

Additionally, neurologist Julian Bailes, also of West Virginia, said

"I think he's a got a great potential for a complete, possibly complete, recovery." [Bailes also suggested] "genetic individual variability" might help explain McCloy's survival. Bailes also cited other factors, including that McCloy was about 1,000 feet away from the miners who perished[...]

I was a mere several hundred miles away from the epicenter of this tragedy and, I believe, this may completely, possibly completely explain my own survival.

In related news, the Hlatfields have ended a temporary truce in their feud by firing muskets and yelling "Yee ha!"

I Better Order A Lot More Shirts

The display on my work phone went blank today and none of the buttons work correctly except the numbers. If I call a cubemate it lists some weird number on the callerID. If I use someone else's phone to call mine, it just goes to voicemail.

So, I called our helpdesk, explained exactly the above and they issued a ticket. The ticket says "User is having problem with his phone. The phone doesn't ring when someone calls. User can be reached at [my phone number]"

I'll send that guy one of my new T-shirts.

Just Give'em All Ruby Slippers So They Can Leave Whenever They Want

FEMA plans to get tough with the next hurricane. According to secret documents obtained from sources deep in FEMA headquarters in Mianus, their plans are to call out the hurricane and shame it into oblivion using this script:

"Put 'em up, put 'em up! Which one of you first? I can fight you both together if you want. I can fight you with one paw tied behind my back. I can fight you standing on one foot. I can fight you with my eyes closed. Oh, pull an axe on me, eh? Sneaking up on me, eh? Why, I'll..."

Actually, after the debacle of using the Superdome as a "shelter of last resort" the new plan is

"There will be no shelters of last resort."

Brilliant!
And I know this is going to sound harsh, but after I read that

"the government is looking into freeing up rail service, aircraft and buses to help evacuate residents who do not have their own transportation"

I couldn't help but think that maybe these people should be looking to live somewhere else. Some place that is less likely to require evacuation? Maybe?

If I was Al-Qaeda, I'd be praying to Allah that they rebuild New Orleans. Then I'd send a couple of bombers to take out those levees (assuming there isn't some even easier way of accomplishing that, like driving a bull dozer into them).

I'll Gladly Pay You Tuesday

My friend is in the mortgage business. In the last few days they had a mortgage application come across their desk. The payment (just P&I) on the requested mortgage would be $3600/month. The person's income? Go ahead and guess.

It was $3000/month [highlight to reveal]. My friend called the salesperson that had put the sale through and told them to refer the customer to this mortgage company.

H U A

I had some PhotoShop fun today while waiting for my car to be inspected. Write your own caption.

• Now I see where you get your ideas!
• Looks fine to me.
• Mmmmph mmrmmph.
• Who's bakin' brownies?

Update: So I just noticed that Zazzle (the place that sells my T-shirts) won't show you this shirt unless you log in. Presumably, this is done to "protect the children" when all it does is prevent children from seeing a representation of the people who make up such asinine rules.

Update 2: I changed the rating of the shirt to 'G' so you should be able to see it now in all its glory...until someone (who likely either has or is acting like a child) complains and they delete it.

Ignorance Is A Blister...On My Ass

A recent study makes atheists the pariahs of today's society.

[...] university researchers found that Americans rate atheists below Muslims, recent immigrants, gays and lesbians and other minority groups in sharing their vision of American society.” Atheists are also the minority group most Americans are least willing to allow their children to marry. [emphasis mine]

Perhaps their vision is a theocracy? In that case, I'd agree that atheists would be least likely to share that vision (actually blind atheists, but those are the people I get to sh*t on, right?). And don't worry, we don't want to marry your f**ked up kids anyway.

Many of the study'’s respondents associated atheism with an array of moral indiscretions ranging from criminal behavior to rampant materialism and cultural elitism.

The equating of atheism with moral turpitude is like equating Catholicism with sanity. One does not imply the other. If they did, our prisons would be filled with atheists and our sanitariums with non-Catholics and neither of these is the case.

The article continues that the more religious, uneducated, unworldly and [I'm guessing here] conservative leaning politically, the more likely you are to hold the above beliefs. Praise Jeebus I'm not part of that group.

I Blame All This On Catholicism

Update: With all the links, I forgot to put in the one that I thought was the best article. That is now corrected along with my other typos (thanks to my editor).

Maybe it's just me but there seems to be a high level of abortion-related news lately. There was, of course, the S. Dakota ban. BTW, if you read it, you'll find that only the performer and not the performee would be committing a crime. Is there any other crime a person can willingly facilitate but lawfully not be held culpable in any way?

There's also been the recent RU-486 news. Six or seven women have died after taking it. That might seem horrifying if you're only getting part of the story (from a self-proclaimed "reliable" source). Or, you might find that that's out of several hundred thousand woman who'd taken it and think that doesn't sound so high. How many people die after taking an aspirin?

Or perhaps you heard that "abortion advocates" are vandalizing pro-life ads and were appalled "that abortion advocates don't respect free speech." Assuming that the people doing this are pro-choice (and I haven't seen evidence that they are), how does this compare to the perfectly sane pro-lifers?

How about the news that Amazon is changing their search engine to no longer ask if you meant "adoption" when searching for "abortion"?

Or Michigan's new bill that would make it illegal to coerce a woman to have an abortion.

Which brings up the recent topic of Matt Dubay who is suing to not be on the hook for child support. This is the best article I've read on the subject but it sadly leaves out several important scenarios such as when one party purposely lies or misleads the other party (for example, claiming they are sterile when they know they are not--that is discussed here). It also ignores the often non-existent rights of fathers to prevent their children from being placed into adoption (sorry, can't find a link for that one). Or how in some cases a person can be made to support a child that is not biologically theirs.

Yo! Handbasket!

After two weeks I finally got to the climax with Galileo's Daughter and immediately fell asleep. Actually, first I called a friend (one of two people) who had recommended Galileo's Daughter to me and then fell asleep.

After reading this book, I have to declare the Catholic Church the most f**ked-up organization in the world. (By the way, I'm including in that comparision all the companies I've ever worked for and they're all pretty f**ked-up.)

Now, you may be thinking, "But Jay, you read Dianetics. How can the Catholic Church be more f**ked up than the Church of Scientology?" That's a good question. For that matter, you could point out Jews For Jesus, which, by its own name is f**ked up. The reason these can't compete is simply a matter of size. Here's the formula:

f * a = F

where 'f' is how f**cked up the idea is,
'a' is the number of people who adhere to this idea, and
'F' is the total f**ked up-edness of the organization.

By the way, I'll be investigating Islam, Hinduism and Buddism soon so these results may vary. But for now, congratulations to the Catholic Church!

I Should've Brought The Video Camera

Buzz in when you think you know how the story ends.

Playing disc golf today, I came upon the hole that crosses the river twice. I never used to play this hole until I found out there is an amateur tee. From this tee, there's about a 100 foot toss to the rivers edge and then it's only about 40 feet across the river. (Did you buzz yet?)

My first toss hit a tree and so I had about 80 feet or so to get across the river. And, of course, I threw* my disc right into the river. Right in the middle. I walked out on a little sand bar area and tried to use a tree (literally a tree, it weighed about 90 lbs. and was about 15 feet long) to snatch it. It was not long enough. Despite having some new discs on the way, I was not going to give in easily.

I threw* some stones into the river to step on. Yep, stones on top of slimy river stones equals no walking on stones.

I crossed the bridge to see about trying from the other side. It didn't look any better. Someone had cut a tree down (a big tree, 14-16" diameter) and I thought about using some of the logs as stepping stones (well, stepping logs) but that seemed really stupid. The river was laughing at me. With no other options, I went home empty handed...

where I grabbed my hiking boots, some plastic bags, extra socks and a towel and I headed back to my Moby river. I sat down and took off my shoes, covered my feet with bags and put on my boots. The boots would hold out water up to 3 inches or so. The bags would allow about another 6 if needed. I found a walking stick and headed in. I thought, "Who's laughing now?"

On my second step I slipped briefly but quickly found my bearings. Five feet out my boots were still keeping out the water but things were about to get deeper. At ten feet, I was in about 5 inches of water and could feel a slight tinge of cold creeping through my boots. Were the bags holding? I couldn't tell. I was racing against time now.

Fifteen feet out I had a problem. The deepest part of the river, the only deep part in fact was ahead and I could not walk through it. The disc was only 5 feet way. Thinking quick, I grabbed my stick (my walking stick for crying out loud) and, finding the strength of one man, managed to snag my disc and drag it toward me. Disc in hand, I scrambled back to shore like an overgrown wading bird. The insides of the boots were wet (not soaked) but the bags held and my socks were dry. I gather my gear and headed home...playing a few holes along the way. And as I walked I thought, "I wonder how much a pair of waders cost."

* - Thanks to Rick S. for pointing out these f-ups. I really need to start proforeading my work.

It Looks Like Sh*t

Mmmm. There's not much better than cooking up something when you don't know what the hell you're doing and having it turn out delicious.

Today's episode actually began Sunday when I made chocolate ice custard. I had about 1 cup extra that wouldn't fit in the ice cream maker and I thought I'd turn it into pudding. I finally got around to trying that tonight. I had the custard on the stove warming up while I looked for my corn starch. I don't know the exact recipe for pudding but it's something like chocolate, milk, sugar (basically the same as the custard) plus corn starch. I could not find the corn starch which I could have sworn I bought for some other recipe. Damn.

Well, I had some leftover rice (brown, short grain) so I decided to try for chocolate rice pudding. I have no idea how to make rice pudding but I figured it was similar to regular pudding but maybe without the corn starch. I added some rice. While that heated I was closing the cabinet with all my baking stuff when, hidden behind the divider was, of course, the corn starch. The pudding was getting nice and warm but it looked like chocolate rice soup so I added some corn starch. After a minute it looked like....chocolate rice soup. I didn't want to add any more corn starch so I put it away. I turn around and the soup had instantaneously turned nearly solid and I pulled it off the heat. I put the, now, pudding into a couple tiny bowls and stuck them in the fridge. I am eating one now. Mmmmm. The rice is very chewy and overall the dish is quite good.

If you'd like to try to replicate it, here's the basic ingredients:
4 cups half-n-half, 1 cup sugar, 4 egg yolks (I'd skip these), 1/2 lb. Bittersweet chocolate, 1 T vanilla (BTW-this makes an OK, not great, ice custard)

Take 1 cup of above mixture, 3/4 cup cooked short grain brown rice, some (maybe 1-2 T.) corn starch and heat. If it boils without solidifying, it needs more corn starch.

Shut Your Pi Hole

In a "mathematical feat" [how is this mathematical at all?] Gaurav Rajav recited 8,784 digits of pi. Here's the weird part. "[H]e remembered enough to potentially place third in national and North American Pi recitation and 12th in the world." Are there competitions for this or something? What could be dumber, a Scissors, Paper, Rock contest?

In related news, Gerhard Freihoffer ate 8,361 pies and, when informed of that Gaurav feat "bested his by over 400", promptly went and beat him up.

Best Quip Ever

Just in case you missed it, The Daily Show on Monday was showing some clips of "noted vaginist" Sharon Stone in Israel. The last clip showed Ms. Stone explaining why she was there, "I was asked to come here, and I came in my faith". Cut to Jon, who pauses momentarily then quips, "I just hope she doesn't have a lisp..."

Irony Chef

An era comes to an end as Isaac Hayes decides to leave South Park. Apparently over innapropriate ridicule of religion. "And then they came for me..."

In tribute, here are the lyrics to Chef's song about where babies come from:

When a man loves a woman
And a woman loves a man
Well
Actually, sometimes the man doesn't love the woman
But he acts like he does so he can get some action
Magic starts to happen
And the two take off their clothes, that's right
And they caress, and touch each other
Until the part of the man grows
And they roll around and 'round
And they just, start getting hot
And the man says, "I love you"
And the woman says
"Hold on a second, I gotta go to the bathroom"
So you wait and you wait and you wait and you wait
And you wait and you wait and you wait
You wait, and you're cooling down
And she's still going to the bathroom
Finally she comes back and she says, "Baby, I'm getting hot"
And that's when you got a jub-o-butt, and a bubble full of...

I Guess He Was Going To Walk

I love how this guy claims he was "on his way to Bible study" but decided a free strip-o-gram would be a better use of his time.

Cop: So, were you expecting these people?
Guy: No sir. I was actually getting ready to leave.
Cop: Where were you heading?
Guy: Uhmmm, uhhhh, oh yeah, Bible study.
Cop: Bible study?
Guy: Yessir.
Cop: On Monday?
Guy: I'm very prius.
Cop: You mean pious?
Guy: Yes, that too.

Killer Barns

I was driving around on some country roads this morning, looking for a disc golf course (I played 53 holes today on two different courses) when all of a sudden what appeared to be a barn was right in the middle of the road! For an instant I thought I'd made a wrong turn into someone's driveway but it turned out to be a covered bridge! And then there was another less than a mile away. Turns out these were Guth's Bridge and Wehr's Bridge and they are part of a tour of covered bridges in the Lehigh Valley. Apparently I need to get out more.

UPDATE: I don't know how I came up with 53. It should have been 45 holes total.

Get OUT!

I heard this song

He hurt his dong

three, maybe four times

It's got a lot of rhymes

while visiting my friends

he's at his wit's end

in the city Austin.

in his little coffin

That was a month ago.

that was sure a nice show

Would somebody please get this frickin' song
outta my head!

Or he'll soon be dead!

Ahhhhhhhhhhhg!

Eyes On The Prize(s)

WARNING: The following is probably not work safe. If it is work safe, please let me know if your company is hiring. Thanks.

I keep forgetting to post this Concentration Test (it says it's for males but I think it works just as well for females). Let me know if you can pass it on the first try.

Farm-a-cuticle?

This one's for my friends who work in the pharmaceutical field.

PharmAmorin, available in 100-, 200-, and 400-mg tablets, is classified as a critical-thinking inhibitor, a family of drugs that holds great promise for the estimated 20 million Americans who suffer from Free-Thinking Disorder.

Don't Hate Me Because I'm Beautiful

Here's yet another Internet test (actually a set) that's supposed to tell you whether you have implicit biases against specific things. Such as whether you associate white people with "good" and black people with "bad". Or maybe women with family and men with career.

I took the race test and was found to "strong automatic preference" for whites over blacks. I took it again and it found "no preference". Last I took the Judaism and was found to have "a slight automatic preference for Other Religions compared to Judaism" which is supposed to mean I'm a little anti-semitic. There's a conversation starter. I looked but couldn't find the one that tells whether I'm biased against Internet tests or not.

My final question is "what can we learn about the people doing the study by looking at the list of tests they offer?"

Penglose

Apparently, America's love affair with penguins is ending.

A children's book about two male penguins that raise a baby penguin has been moved to the nonfiction section of two public library branches after parents complained it had homosexual undertones.

Or perhaps these parents would prefer to move to a place more in line with their thinking, like Cameroon.

A Cameroon court jailed a newspaper publisher for four months on Friday for defaming a government minister named in a list of 50 presumed homosexuals in the central African country where homosexuality is a crime.

Cold Finger

It won't power the starship Enterprise, but an experimental "dilithium crystal" pyroelectric technology is said to enable compact nuclear fusion.

With respect to this story, which is more likely?

1. The media won't touch another fusion story after being burned 15 (or so) years ago.
2. The media won't touch another physics story after screwing up the quantum computer that gives answers without running.
3. The media actually understands that this doesn't mean you'll be seeing a Mr. Fusion device attached to your time travelling car anytime soon.

Odds are heavily against 3.

Hold On To Your Jaw

Wow. Wow. Wow. You simply will not believe the set of rules this crazy f**k made up for his wife. Wow.

I wonder what rules his prison mates will have for him? Probably similar but without the GBDs.

Of All The Planets To Choose From

I ran across this one day in college (about 20 years ago) while reading the comic Gummi Bears. I have no idea why I was reading it as it was certainly geared to the youngest of comic readers. In the apartment I lived in at the time we had a "Wall of Fame" where we put what we thought were the funniest comics. I cut this one out and put it on the wall. I kept it after moving out and, for whatever ridiculous reason, still have it today. Feel free to print it out so Zummi can visit Uranus, too!

Homo On The Loose

"I don't believe that anybody in there really wants their kids to be taught that their great-grandfather was an ape," Buttars said.

How about if we teach them that their State Senator is an ignoramus? How about if we teach them that their State Senator doesn't believe in the Constitution of the United States? How about if we teach them that State Senator Butters is a homotheist and is just trying to advance his homotheist agenda? I wonder if State Senator Bitters thinks homotheists should be allowed to marry. I don't believe that anybody in Utah wants their kids to be exposed to a homotheist. Do they?