He Could Have Just Said "Loyzem gayne!"**

There are many kinds of Jews: Orthodox, Conservative, Reform, Messianic (Jews for Jesus), secular or, like me, secular humorist*.

With things pretty tight around here at work, travel approval for my upcoming trip to Germany had to go quite high in the organization. There was much time spent discussing the merits of the trip, whether we could do the same thing via email or NetMeeting, etc. Finally, I got this email (keep in mind this is for the Jewish guy's trip to Germany)

Travel approved by SS.

Interestingly, they only approved my outbound travel.


* - secular humorist Jew - Someone who is only Jewish for the jokes.

** - loyzem gayne

What Detergent Gets Out Sprouts?

About 10 years ago my parents were driving themselves around Europe. After several weeks in Austria, Germany and elsewhere, they stopped in Brussels. In a laundromat, my mom heard a little girl singing:

Frere Jacques, Frere Jacques
Dormez vous? Dormez vous?

My mom said to my dad, "It's nice to hear a little English for a change!"

So the question I ask myself is "Nature or nurture?"

This Title Is Blinking

I received in my mail one of those post office slips that let you know the post office has a package or something for you that they couldn't deliver. The slip indicated there were two certified pieces of mail...from the IRS.

The good news is that they weren't for me; they were for a previous tenant. Consider that I've been living at this place for a year and a half. Why doesn't the IRS know where the previous tenant is?

I imagine they've either died or gone underground. Working odd jobs for cash, they live outside the system. A fugitive from justice, they continue to try to prove their innocence and search for the one-armed man.

Or maybe those letters indicate that the IRS is trying to locate them to send them their refunds from a few years back. Who wants to play IRS lottery?

2000 years from now, when archaeologists dig up this area, they'll find that people sent money, huge amounts of money, to a god called IRS. They will infer that this was a very important god since His name was spelled with all CAPITAL LETTERS. They will wonder about the lesser gods, FBI, CIA, NSA and, of course, USPS. The last of these having many idols set about the country. 4' 2", painted blue and a giant mouth to feed it with letters of tribute.

Little Miss Muffet

I just finished reading Aztec by Gary Jennings. It is quite a shockfest and not for the faint of heart.

Despite all the gore and unimaginable things that go on in the book it was this line that almost caused me to lose my dinner (that's a warning, BTW):

Any woman would delight in having such a massive tepuli [I'll let you guess what that is] at her service...were it not so rancid with a lifetime's accumulation of curds that a woman might vomit at sight or scent of it.

I doubt that that would be considered the most memorable part by many people (that's another warning). I threw out the cottage cheese I had in the refrigerator.

Highly recommended (and that's my last warning).

This Post Sucks

Go to Google and search for failure. Or if you're too lazy, click here. (THANKS TIM!)

If text is not your thing, check out this picture of a truly stained glass window.(THANKS ZIMBO!)

He Was Planning A Little Turkey Basting

Maybe he said, "It's da bomb!"

I'm sure there's a lesson here but I'm laughing to hard to figure out what it is.

Neptune Is Not A Planet

No. That is no typo. I said Neptune. According to the story in USA Today

under the new rules for a planet: "a celestial body that is in orbit around the sun, has sufficient mass for its self-gravity to overcome rigid body forces so that it assumes a ... nearly round shape, and has cleared the neighborhood around its orbit."

Pluto is automatically disqualified because its oblong orbit overlaps with Neptune's.

So, Neptune has not cleared the neighborhood around its orbit. The planet formerly known as Pluto (wait a second, scratch that, reverse it) overlaps it. Now on to the jokes...

Jocelyn Bell Burnell, who oversaw the proceedings cracked this one:

"It could be argued that we are creating an umbrella called 'planet' under which the dwarf planets exist," she said, drawing laughter by waving a stuffed Pluto of Walt Disney fame beneath a real umbrella.

That might have been funny if the Pluto was named Sneezy or Dopey or even Doc. Please Jocelyn, leave the jokes to us engineers.

But all of this is moot. Aside from these so-called "astronomers" the only people that care about this are the people that create mnemonics (mnemonimers?) and boys ages 5-13 who can now show up their uncles in more than just dinosaur name knowledge.

Or Maybe A Perfume Name

Hi. My name is Jay and I'm addicted to captchas.

I don't know what it is about these things but they fascinate me; apparently to no end. I realize I've only posted one before but believe me, I've wanted to post many, many more (and thank me for not).

I guess I like to pronounce them and wonder, "If that were a word, what would it mean and what would be the clue for it in a crossword puzzle?"

Clearly, this one is no ordinary captcha. Enjay. Mmmm. Your first thought might be that this word is like a combination of enjoy and jay but does the word "banana" mean you want to get rid of your grandmother?

I imagine it is a word of French origin, so it is pronounced on-zhay'. It means "full of life, gusto, expectation". It's kind of like an antonym of ennui. For example: I am feeling enjay at the prospect of coining a new word.

This Is Getting Out Of Hand

When you have a billion people around, there's almost always going to be some interesting news.

A new Hitler themed restaurant has opened in Mumbai. Instead of hot towels they offer a full shower before your meal.

"This place is not about wars or crimes, but where people come to relax and enjoy a meal," said restaurant manager Fatima Kabani...

And in other news, a man who I assume recently lost one of his hands in an industrial accident seeks an operation. Update (8/23): Apparently this guy should meet this woman (thanks Zimbo).

I Got Bit By A Snake!*

Well, I was going to post about how the image of the Virgin Mary can be seen on a scar I've had almost since birth but something more important came up.

I almost followed Alton Brown's recipe for Banana Ice Cream (highly recommended if you like bananas). The only change was replacing vanilla extract for vanilla bean. Well, that and I also thawed the bananas overnight in the fridge. Other than that, I followed the recipe exactly, I think. Quite delicious. Anyway, I ended up with about a cup extra of mix. I think it was because my bananas were so big. I think they were Mr. Big Banana brand. There were no Virgin Mary images on them.

And, my third and last "bananas" topic: how is this "Breaking News"?! (click the pic if you can't read it)
* - I understand that quite often people don't get the joke/point of my titles. This is complicated by the fact that sometimes there is no joke/point. Sometimes it's an inside joke that maybe only one reader will find funny. Sometimes, only I could find them funny (I crack myself up). Anyway, this title is a quote from an old Woody Allen movie. Try to guess the title before clicking the link.

Snippety Hoo Ha

About 3500 years ago, a guy named Abraham became the first Jew. Not long after that, he had this conversation with God about the city of Sodom (from Genesis, Chapter 18):

24 What if there are fifty righteous people in the city? Will you really sweep it away and not spare the place for the sake of the fifty righteous people in it?

25 Far be it from you to do such a thing—to kill the righteous with the wicked, treating the righteous and the wicked alike. Far be it from you! Will not the Judge of all the earth do right?"

26 The LORD said, "If I find fifty righteous people in the city of Sodom, I will spare the whole place for their sake."

27 Then Abraham spoke up again: "Now that I have been so bold as to speak to the Lord, though I am nothing but dust and ashes,

28 what if the number of the righteous is five less than fifty? Will you destroy the whole city because of five people?"
"If I find forty-five there," he said, "I will not destroy it."

29 Once again he spoke to him, "What if only forty are found there?"
He said, "For the sake of forty, I will not do it."

30 Then he said, "May the Lord not be angry, but let me speak. What if only thirty can be found there?"
He answered, "I will not do it if I find thirty there."

31 Abraham said, "Now that I have been so bold as to speak to the Lord, what if only twenty can be found there?"
He said, "For the sake of twenty, I will not destroy it."

32 Then he said, "May the Lord not be angry, but let me speak just once more. What if only ten can be found there?"
He answered, "For the sake of ten, I will not destroy it."

33 When the LORD had finished speaking with Abraham, he left, and Abraham returned home.

So, there you have it, the first Jew "Jewing down" God. What he lost in foreskin, he made up for in cajones (and Espanol wasn't even invented yet).

That's Just Horse Sh*t

I ran about 6.5 miles this morning and made the following observations along the way.

Of the walkers and runners, women are friendlier than men. People wearing iPods, Walkmen, etc. are less friendly than those without. People with no dogs or 1 dog are friendlier than people with two or more dogs. Most people with dogs ignore the leash law but most do clean up after their dogs. There is apparently no law requiring the horse riders to clean up after their animals. Why is that?

Bukkakinator

This looks like a scene from seminary camp.
I wonder if this thing was designed by Ron Jeremy?
(BTW - This is not a joke. This is a real commercial for an actual product.)



Here's the actual product description (from the product link above):

Sneak up on your opponents with a surprise bio-ooze attack! Just when they think you’re coming at ‘em with water, blast ‘em with a shot of icky bio-ooze! Shoot out globs of gooey bio-ooze and then drench ‘em with water! It’s a double blast attack that’ll keep your opponents on their toes and running during every water fight. With the OOZINATOR blaster you don’t just get soaked, you get drenched!

* Air-powered blaster lets you drench your opponents with powerful blasts of water or globs of gooey bio-ooze!
* Hit targets up to 35 feet away with a 27-ounce water-supply capacity or up to 20 feet away with a 10-ounce bio-ooze capacity!
* Blaster comes with 10-ounce cartridge of bio-ooze.

Color of product and packaging may vary.

The New Burning Man Festival

Rumor has it that terrorists are trying to get there hands on Dell batteries.

I'm 1 for 2 in the Dell Battery Lottery. My personal system hit a long fly to left field but it was caught on the warning track (missed by 1 number). My work laptop hit a grand slam matching all 22 letters and numbers! My prize? Another battery from Dell--this one almost guaranteed not catch fire!

I have a patent pending on a USB smoke alarm.

Another Cavity Post

Every couple of years I run across a recipe for some type of candy--usually fudge--and I think, "That sounds good. I think I'll make that."

This time the recipe was for Soft Peanut Butter Brittle. I gathered the ingredients (sugar, water, corn syrup, peanuts, peanut butter and baking soda) and started cooking...and things started to go wrong.

I don't know how it happened but somehow a little corn syrup spilled on my stovetop and, without me knowing, some got underneath the burner. As my sugar/corn syrup heated to around 220 degrees the spilled syrup started smoking then caught fire. Not having a fire extinguisher, I did the next best thing. I turned on the exhaust hood fan and switched the pot to another burner.

Once I hit 295 degrees, off went the heat and in went the peanuts/peanut butter and baking soda. Snap went my wooden spoon.

I got everything mixed and spread out on a cookie sheet. After cooling, I broke off a piece and while chewing it I thought, "Next time I need to remind myself that I don't really like candy."

Look Mom, No Cavity Search!

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

The new regime of protecting airplanes would focus less on technology to detect explosives and more on intelligent questioning of air passengers by screeners.

Why Don't iPeas Come In An iPod?

Based on recent non-events, I'm led to believe that one (or more) of the following is true:

1. People don't want free iTunes.
2. People are too lazy to send an e-mail for free iTunes.
3. People who act like asses are self policing.
4. Dead animals in freezers are quite common.

Anybody have any funnier ideas?

BTW - if it's not clear from the post, the free iTunes offered here are still available.

I AM NOT ANGRY!!!

New Zealand's indigenous Maori population reacted angrily on Wednesday to a researcher's findings that Maori have a high representation of a gene linked to aggression...

Free-sing

I've got 5 free iTunes songs to the first two people who meet the following:

1. You are not currently violating Tierkoerperbeseitigungsgesetz
2. You haven't been an ass lately (completely subjective on my part)
   
3. You send an e-mail* to cerealserial
   

I'll send the codes for the iTunes back to whatever e-mail address you send me.

* - at talljay.com

Update 8-14-2006: OK. They are finally gone.

Howie Mandel Says "Sane or Insane?"

This study found "that people are rational, or irrational, to widely differing amounts" and that emotions are at least partly the basis of decisions.

I just deleted a whole commentary I wrote on this subject. Feel free to make irrational comments based on what you suspect I wrote.

Clay Achin'

I have a terrible flaw that causes me to consistently overestimate people's intelligence. A year ago I would have told you there wasn't anybody who could be chosen to run against Sen. Rick Santorum (link may not be work safe) that I wouldn't vote for. What was I thinking?

Enter State Treasurer Bob Crazy. It's people like this that are the reason that people like me can't stand politics. It's like that Play-Doh machine I wish I had when I was a kid. Insert formless clay/political wanna-be. Set the shape to circle/square/star/Democrat/Republican/lunatic. Give a little push and *bloop* out comes what looks like a piece of sh*t but with the right handler can be the next President of the United States.

So, I plan to go to the polls and make my choice between two write-in options:

1. Myself
2. You All Suck

It's a tight race right now.

A Real Saab Story

I had to laugh when I read this article about the least reliable luxury cars. One of the highlights is Saab's objection to being included on the list.

A Saab spokesman says the company's internal data show that the most recent Saab 9-3s "have very good quality results," and that labeling the car "unreliable" paints the wrong picture for potential buyers.

With a bit of research, I've narrowed down that "picture" to either this one or this one.

The other thing that I find funny is that somehow J.D. Power's "first 90 days of ownership" survey is being equated with reliability. People think I'm crazy because I like to get a new car about every 5 years. I don't want to deal with any problems and I think that's worth it. I can understand how some people think that's a waste of money. But compare that to the guy using the 90-day reliability survey for his gauge. Is this guy buying a new car every 3 months? I can't imagine having so much money that I would do that.

Well, I can imagine it. I just can't picture it.

Craptastic

Here's an update to my previous post.

I predicted that I would receive the crappiest new water heater to replace the old one. There are many ways to define "crappy" but if you use "energy use" as the criteria I have somehow managed to get something even crappier than the crappiest. Here's a pic of the Energy Label:
You'll probably have to click the pic to enlarge it enough to see that this water heater uses 4881 kWh/year. Compared to 4622 kWh/year for the model that uses the least energy and 4879 for the model that uses the most. Sigh.

Oh Please Be Potable

As I started to back out of the garage this morning I noticed a couple of drips of water on the back window. I assumed that they were drips from the garage door but, once I was out of the garage I had already discarded this theory. It hadn't rained overnight. My garage door had never dripped before.

I shut the car off and walked into the garage. There was water dripping from the ceiling. If you remember this post and knew what this morning's routine was, you might have experienced a similar combination of fear and disgust.

I dashed upstairs and checked the toilet. Nothing. (Whew!) The washing machine hoses seemed fine also. I called my apartment's maintenance line. Just as I told them I had a leak in my apartment, I checked the hot water heater. Bingo! I told them what the problem was and they said they'd send someone out.

From what I've seen of the company that runs my complex, I expect when I get home to find a the crappiest brand new water heater you can buy installed in my place. Ah, apartment living...