If you're looking for the funniest stuff, I suggest starting with the Steve, Don't Eat It Homage and then the travel category. You're on your own with the older posts that have yet to be categorized.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

I Could Only Feel More Secure If I Was Wearing A Maxipad With Wings

It's 2am. My alarm, wait that should be alarms, won't go off until 3:30 but I don't think I'll get back to sleep. I'm right.

I head out to Newark with my plastic bag full of 3 oz. or less bottles. That includes my contact lenses which are a kind of gel immersed in liquid and a definite threat to a plane.

I arrive at the security line around 5:30am. There's not many people at the airport, mostly older folks, because they can't sleep anyway. Apparently, they don't fly much either.

Security: You need to take off your shoes.
Old guy: Heh?
Old guy: My shoes?

And they don't hear so well. I can afford to be patient since I'm early. I watch the poor old guy try to untie his shoes and I'm thinking, "That's why they make those velcro shoes."

Security: YOUR COAT.
Old guy: Heh?

If my flight was at 5:55 instead of 6:55 it wouldn't have been so funny.

I go through and the security guy asks, "Is this your bag?" He's pointing at my regular bag, not the one with all my little liquid bottles. I figure I must have forgotten something. He brings the bag over to the stainless steel inspection station. There is another guy sitting at the far end of the table trying to put his shoes back on.

Security: Do you have a lighter in your bag?
Me: No.
Security: The X-ray showed something that looked like a lighter.
Other guy (slurring and obviously drunk at 5:30am): They won letyu have no lighter.
While the security guy relieves my luggage of the hiccups, the drunk guy continues.
Other guy: Noheven one.
Other guy: Tookem all five uvamine.
It's hard not to laugh. The guy going on and on about his lighters. I know you're not supposed to joke around in the airport security area but this is too much. Luckily, the security guy pulls out what he thinks was mistaken for the lighter.
Security: What's this?
Me: It's a hairbrush.

I should note that it is a folding hairbrush and at first glance, it's not apparent what it is.
Other guy: Your lucky snot a ligher.

A security guard who was really on the ball should take one look at me and ask "What do you need a hairbrush for?" but luckily this is Newark, where bombs get through but not hairbrushes and certainly not lighters. And I was on my way.

P.S. I came home on a late flight and arrived at my house close to 1am.

At 3:30am, the two alarms I forgot to turn off when I left woke me up.


Anonymous said...

This made me go a a place that I shouldn't have.

Anonymous said...

Sorry I forgot to sign that post - it was mess

amoose said...

I did the same, but it was a 6:30 am alarm, not 3:30, so not quite so bad (but who wants to be up at 6:30 with their 5 yr old?)! I had set an alarm for 6:30am for departure day on a little clock that Alan got from IBM. The worst part was, by the time we got back, I had forgotten about the little clock. So, at 6:30 am after the day we returned, in my sleep-stupor, I am trying to turn off the alarm on my clock/cd/radio. Why is this thing doing an annoying repetitive buzzing?! I try every button and switch (about 6) at least 3 times each. I'm picking it up, holding it over my head (buzzz, buzzz), desperate to find some way to shut it off, but to no avail. Finally after what seems like 5 minutes, it just shuts off. I lower it to nightstand as my son bounds around the bedroom ready for everyone to get up and play! A couple of hours later, when it was light, I realized that it was the other clock!

talljay said...

Was it the line about the hiccups?

talljay said...

amoose said - "who wants to be up at 6:30 with their 5 yr old?"

Every loving mother.