I Could Only Feel More Secure If I Was Wearing A Maxipad With Wings

It's 2am. My alarm, wait that should be alarms, won't go off until 3:30 but I don't think I'll get back to sleep. I'm right.

I head out to Newark with my plastic bag full of 3 oz. or less bottles. That includes my contact lenses which are a kind of gel immersed in liquid and a definite threat to a plane.

I arrive at the security line around 5:30am. There's not many people at the airport, mostly older folks, because they can't sleep anyway. Apparently, they don't fly much either.

Security: You need to take off your shoes.
Old guy: Heh?
Security: YOUR SHOES. TAKE THEM OFF.
Old guy: My shoes?
Security: YES. THEY NEED TO BE X-RAYED.

And they don't hear so well. I can afford to be patient since I'm early. I watch the poor old guy try to untie his shoes and I'm thinking, "That's why they make those velcro shoes."

Security: YOUR COAT.
Old guy: Heh?

If my flight was at 5:55 instead of 6:55 it wouldn't have been so funny.

I go through and the security guy asks, "Is this your bag?" He's pointing at my regular bag, not the one with all my little liquid bottles. I figure I must have forgotten something. He brings the bag over to the stainless steel inspection station. There is another guy sitting at the far end of the table trying to put his shoes back on.

Security: Do you have a lighter in your bag?
Me: No.
Security: The X-ray showed something that looked like a lighter.
Other guy (slurring and obviously drunk at 5:30am): They won letyu have no lighter.
While the security guy relieves my luggage of the hiccups, the drunk guy continues.
Other guy: Noheven one.
Other guy: Tookem all five uvamine.
It's hard not to laugh. The guy going on and on about his lighters. I know you're not supposed to joke around in the airport security area but this is too much. Luckily, the security guy pulls out what he thinks was mistaken for the lighter.
Security: What's this?
Me: It's a hairbrush.

I should note that it is a folding hairbrush and at first glance, it's not apparent what it is.
Other guy: Your lucky snot a ligher.

A security guard who was really on the ball should take one look at me and ask "What do you need a hairbrush for?" but luckily this is Newark, where bombs get through but not hairbrushes and certainly not lighters. And I was on my way.

P.S. I came home on a late flight and arrived at my house close to 1am.

At 3:30am, the two alarms I forgot to turn off when I left woke me up.