Kiss My Big Brown Ass

Today I was almost killed by a horse's ass. I have a lot of experience dealing with horses' asses but today was new for me.

I was running this morning and after about an hour came upon two horses' asses...along with the rest of the horses. A guy was on one horse and he was also leading the other. The horse he was on started walking at a 45 degree angle (I'm sure there's some fancy name for this but I don't know it) and in doing so, blocked the entire path. He then galloped about 40 feet ahead (I'm saying galloped but maybe it was a cantor or a trot or who knows what; there seems to be more words for horse movement then the Eskimos have for snow). I assume he was trying to run the "sideways walking" out of his horse, kind of like closing Windows and restarting it to get things working again.

He seemed to have his horse under control and so I went to run by (maybe jog or trot, even lope, but definitely not sashay). Suddenly the horse turned back to that 45 degree angle and I was face-to-ass with the great beast. Fortunately for me, I did not get kicked. Fortunately for the rider, I did not get sh*t on. He went on ahead to an emergency horse pull off area and stayed there until I passed. "Sorry about that," was all I got out of it.

Then, on the drive home, I kept hearing a funny squeak. I figured it was the woman driving behind me, who apparently mistook my car for a horse and was trying her best to get in my ass. After she turned off and I still heard the squeak, I tried to figure out what it might be. It seemed worse when I hit the brakes but I could still hear it without hitting the brakes. I assumed my brakes were rubbing on the rotors.

When I got into my garage, it was still squeaking. So much for the brakes theory. Let's go with belt squeak. I left the car running and popped the hood, like I might actually be able to do something. I just wanted to try and figure out what was squeaking so when I brought the car in I could tell them something as it would likely stop squeaking as soon as I brought it in.

Under the hood, I diagnosed and, after turning off the engine, fixed the problem. A piece of Styrofoam had gotten caught up in the engine compartment and was rubbing against a belt. I don't know how it got there, but I wouldn't be surprised if it was put there by a horse's ass.