He's An Albaniac, Al-BAAAA-niac On The Floor

Very funny article on Albania's prospects for the 2008 Olympics.

Here's a sample link from it:

Start Printing The Albaniac Shirts!

Prediction for 2008:
Continued housing problems lead the US into a mild recession and popping the China stock market bubble. Civil unrest in China follows. With all the world watching Beijing because of the Olympics, its leaders dare not use military force and are overthrown.

No, no. They'd still use military force. Then the big Presidential debate would become whether the US should boycott the Olympics.

Mitt Romney will take both sides.

With the US out of the picture, Albania wins its first Olympic medal.

The British Are Coming

I got my Comfy Sack and after several days suffering from rhinovirus strain ABF (Albanian blood feud) I finally put it together and tried it out.

I was a little excited to try it.
My left hand is holding a glass of Nestea. Ahhh!


It's very soft.


Very, very, soft.

This thing is so comfortable. It's like a womb. A womb with a view (of the TV). A giant 7 1/2 foot long womb. According to my research (meaning I'm guessing) it's like laying in a Humpback whale womb.

If that sounds good to you, please help save the whales and buy a weplica womb instead.

Wenting a womb is also a possibility but much more expensive.

.
.
.

How do I get out of this #%$&@! thing!?

.
.
.

Never mind, I figured it out. You have to leave head first!

The Frito Bandito Would Love This Post

If you read the comments for the previous post, you'd have found that my friend got an iPhone for xmas. Another friend was planning to get his kid an iTouch. Another kid wants an iPod. Someone else bought themselves an iMac.

I caught an iCold, which iSucks and I've slept quite iLate. I still plan to do a little iWork today but first I'll have some iCereal, then drop an iDeuce and take an iShower.

This post is so annoying I want to gouge out my own iEyes.

iSigned,
iJay

Why Is AC/DC Playing In My Head?

I was going to write a piece about my sack but I haven't got my hands on it yet. I'm still waiting to hear those magic words: I've got your sack right here. (Even funnier if I name my sack Paul Revere.)

I expect my sack to be very comfortable (perfect for one or two people). I'll mostly use my sack while watching TV but also while eating or reading. Unlike the guy in the video, I think I'll keep my sack in the living room as opposed to dragging it around everywhere I go.

That's about the most disturbing video I've ever seen.

My Monkey Towers Above All!

As you may remember, I shot my monkey onto the steps of my apartment and predicted 10 hurricanes this season and, amazingly, this was correct!

There were 6 Atlantic hurricanes and 4 Pacific hurricanes. Who would have thought that playing with my monkey could reap such rewards! It's even better at predictions than my Magic 2-Ball.

With A Vacation Like That, Who Needs Enemies

I don't often remember my dreams. Almost never actually. But I do vaguely remember one from a few days ago in my parents' house.

I had given someone a gift of some sort and they yelled back at me, "CHEAP!"
It was a pretty nice gift and as I tried to point this out to them they once again yelled, "CHEAP!"
I was a bit offended and also stunned. Before I got to do anything else, "CHEAP!"
I began to get mad, "Keep your voice down."
"CHEAP!"

"CHEAP!"

"CHEAP!"

I awoke at 4:20am. "CHEAP!" What the hell is going on? "CHEAP!"

It was a smoke detector whose battery had died. One of the last times I visited I had replaced all the batteries.

Except one that the ladder couldn't reach.

Reporting For the Steve Guttenberg Press

I flew down to FL late this morning on the miracle plane. Not one of those plane crash-type miracles but a true miracle.

Boarding the flight, 30 people needed wheelchair assistance to get on the plane. As an able-bodied person, it is my job to feel sorry for them and not wonder why they get to be first onto the plane.

After a couple hours of simulated 8000 ft. altitude, every single one of them was suddenly able to walk again and get off the plane without assistance! Being on that plane was like swimming in a cocoon filled pool. These people were suddenly 20 years younger....or about 80.

But once they got out of the pool, or in this case off the JetWay, they suddenly needed assistance again in the form of a golf cart to wisk them past everyone else to the baggage claim.

Why Is The Mark So Close To Sin?

In his unsuccessful 1992 run for Senate, Mike Huckabee

told the AP in the questionnaire that he found homosexuality to be "an aberrant, unnatural and sinful lifestyle."

Recently, he clarified

"Let's understand what sin means," Huckabee said. "Sin means missing the mark."

Missing the mark? Damn. Apparently I have sinned...but most of the time it was by accident.

I swear!

source article

Go Elf Yourself!

Scariest Christmas ever.

Eat My Banana...

Ice cream.

I started working on a chocolate banana ice cream recipe not too long after this post from over a year ago. I am happy to say, after many attempts, some decent, some not so great, I finally hit on a ready-for-prime-time recipe.

Update! I made this again a few days ago and it came out terrible. When cooking the bananas they were very dry. It may have been that they weren't ripe enough (they were yellow but not brown). I didn't cook the bananas very long because they were so dry and that probably didn't help. If you make the recipe, please let me know how it turns out.

Update 2! OK. Made it yet again. This time I made sure the bananas were very ripe (half-brown) and it came out great! I will update again if the recipe ever fails with super ripe bananas.

Jay's Chocolate Banana Chocolate Chip Ice Cream

a little butter (for frying)
5 med. bananas (very ripe, half yellow/half brown is good)
1/2 cup sugar
8 oz. heavy cream
4.4 oz. (125 gr.) of bittersweet chocolate, chopped (10 squares of Trader Joe's PoundPlus bar)
1 tsp. vanilla
3 oz. mini chocolate chips (optional if you are crazy!)

Heat non-stick fry pan over medium heat with butter (maybe 1/2 - 1 Tbl.)
Peel and slice bananas into ~1/2 inch rounds. Fry until they start to caramelize, maybe 5 minutes (don't move them around until then!). Flip/stir them around and continue to fry for a few more minutes until they are very soft all the way through. Pan should have a lot of juice. Mash/break-up the bananas a little with the back of a spatula. If you don't want to blend later, mash them as much as possible.

Sprinkle in the sugar and mix until dissolved. Simmer 1 more minute. Add cream and stir in.

Reduce heat to low and add the chocolate. Stir constantly until almost melted. Turn off heat, take pan off burner and keep stirring until chocolate is completely melted. Mix in the vanilla.

Transfer to a bowl and, if you have one, use a hand blender to smooth the mix. Either cool, covered in refrigerator overnight or place in an ice bath (stir every few minutes). The mix should be cold before you churn it!

Churn it! Near the end of churning, add the mini-chips. Freeze and enjoy!

If this doesn't get you laid, there's no hope for you. ;-)

All The Whos Down In Whoville Will All Go Woohoo!

Looking for the perfect gift for that special someone? Something unique that nobody else has (well, maybe one other person)?

How about a pair of autographed, pre-owned, porn star breast implants? We're talking D-cups here straight from Mary Carey's chest 'o plenty. Want to know more first?

[...] while under anesthesia she realized they could be used to raise money for breast cancer research.

"The doctors asked me what I wanted to do with them and I said, 'You know what, I'm going to keep them and try to sell them. Because my grandmother had breast cancer."

The autographed implants have been placed on eBay and Carey [...] said she planned to donate some 90 percent of the proceeds to the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation.

She intends to use the rest of the money on medical bills for her mother, who suffered major injuries after jumping off a four-story building in 2006.

"I'm actually overall very anti-plastic surgery," Carey said. "I watched my mom go through 11 surgeries (for her injuries) and it's like, for me to voluntarily put myself through that, the only right thing to do is make money and donate it to charity."

The last bid I saw was $2025.

That doesn't include $12 for shipping.

No word on whether that includes handling.

Glow Mail

Attention teenagers!

Are your parents really getting on your case? Telling you what you can and can't do, what time to be home, do you homework, eat your vegetables, blah, blah, blah.

Well, this is a democracy...not a dictatorship. So if your 'rents are acting like 'tators, order a few thousand of these in their name and George W. Bush himself will personally see to it that democracy is restored to your house!

Also works for annoying co-workers, neighbors who play their music too loud and people who stand in line at the ATM and don't get their card out until after they get to the machine.

Update! A friend pointed out the "Customers Who Bought Items Like This Also Bought" which features mousetraps, anal douches, crotchless knickers, 1 lb. fat replica, electromagnetic field meter, goat's milk and several Resident Evil books.

I really don't want to meet anyone who's bought that uranium.

Miracle Without A Plane Crash

A couple of nights ago I was at the grocery store; Aldi to be specific. I'm at the checkout line and there are two women in front of me. The one currently checking out is trying to use her debit card and it's not working.
She explains how she just used the card earlier that afternoon. The cashier guesses that maybe she doesn't have enough money in the account (her bill is $9 and change). The customer explains that it should automatically overdraft from her savings account. After several attempts she gives up and starts going through her handbag. She finds three dollars and starts working on finding loose change.
Meanwhile, the line at the cashier (there is only one open) grows and people are starting to grumble. And then the Miracle on 7th Street occurred.
The woman in front of me (who may not have been Albanian) offers to pay the first woman's $9+ bill! She does and even refuses to take the $3+change that the first woman had scrounged from her handbag.
Wow! That's about the nicest thing I've ever seen.


Maybe I'll try to get someone to buy my groceries the next time I'm there. (That's a joke people!)

That's A Moray!

I've recently gotten into astrology (hey, it was a long weekend). Just to be clear, I don't mean that crap in the Comics section of the newspaper or the drivel from some charlatan claiming to be a psychic. No. This is based on billions (yes, billions with a "b") of femtoseconds of my own research. I pass it on to you, loyal reader, at no extra charge.

Here's everything you need to know about real astrology. In Real Astrology, there are very few important symbols, only [insert number here after writing post]. They have nothing to do with what day you were born or the locations of various stars or planets. That's all made up crap.

This is the symbol for Aries.
Aries can represent two different types of people. The first is a person who does things regardless of risk (Magnus Ballus). The second is a person that does things to try to make up for their own inadequacy (Vegrandis Dickus).

Next we have Taurus (Curtus Sperma).
This symbol represents people are messed up because they were originally fertilized by a defective sperm. These people are generally delusional and are incapable of seeing the world as it actually is. Some examples are George W. Bush and all your exes.

Now, we come to the sexual symbols. First, we have Libra (Magnus Buttus Amor).
Libras are skinny people and their big-butted sexual partners.

Next is Gemini, symbol for twinks and bears alike (Duo Homo Erectus).

Next we have Cancer, symbol for women who like to eat carpet (Duo Solum Lingus).
Cancer is often confused with Pisces, symbol for women who prefer double dongs (Dongus Tweenus).

Leo, the extremely flexible, auto-erotic lion is next (Nunquam Recedo Domus).

And stuck at the end is, appropriately, Uranus (Dickus Butkus).

I Am Not A Crook

News Flash: Politician accused of misleading public!

Here's the quote from former White House spokesperson, Scott McClellan:

The most powerful leader in the world had called upon me to speak on his behalf and help restore credibility he lost amid the failure to find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. So I stood at the White House briefing room podium in front of the glare of the klieg lights for the better part of two weeks and publicly exonerated two of the senior-most aides in the White House: Karl Rove and Scooter Libby.

There was one problem. It was not true.

I had unknowingly passed along false information. And five of the highest ranking officials in the administration were involved in my doing so: Rove, Libby, the vice president, the president's chief of staff, and the president himself.

But wait, here's the best part of the article:

Asked about the released excerpt, White House spokesman Scott Stanzel said, "The president has not misled his spokespeople, nor would he."

Someone wants to write a book.

P.S. - This post has nothing to do with Albania, but just by mentioning that fact it suddenly does.

Ur Guvment @ Werk

I used to think that half the people in the world were stupid. I was wrong.

It's far more than half.

Our brilliant government leaders, fearing the worst Thanksgiving airport debacle ever, have issued guidelines to speed you through the airport.

Pack in layers. One layer of clothes. One layer of electronics.

In addition to thinking up this great advice, they are putting on posters were as many travelers as possible can see it.

In the airport. I know I always do my packing at the airport so this would be a great help to me (except I'm not flying this Thanksgiving, darn!)

Also, we have a nominee for dumbest quote of the year,

"Whether or not the (TSA) campaign is effective, the effort is certainly welcome because, with 27 million-plus people scheduled to fly over Thanksgiving, every effort to speed up the security checkpoint will help," says David Castelveter, spokesman for the Air Transport Association, the major airline trade group.

Every effort, useful or not, will help? What are the requirements for that job, other than a C in your ESL class? And, if you follow these recommendations you can reduce your 3 hour wait by...three minutes!

If you really want to get through the airport faster here's what you should do (or should have done).

• Don't fly from a big airport.
• Don't fly to a big airport.
• Don't fly through a big airport.
• Don't use the word "bomb" in any way.
• Don't look Middle Eastern.
• Don't wear shoes.

If you follow these simple rules, you can easily save 5 minutes on your trip.

No need to thank me.

Noticias De La Musica

There was a discussion the other day about a couple songs with the word "vaseline" in them, mainly who sang them.

I decided to try the website midomi to identify them. I couldn't get a hit on either of them. I was sure one was by Bush because someone had given me the CD. After browsing through my CDs a couple times I came to the only possible conclusion: I had lost my Bush CD!

Until I found the Stone Temple Pilots CD with the Vaseline song. D'oh!

The other song was harder to find but I eventually got it. It was The Flaming Lips song She Don't Use Jelly.

Could midomi find anything? I decided to try Girl from Ipanema and voila! It found it! Very cool. I tried humming Take 5 but got nothing. I tried I Like Big Butts but didn't get crap. Last I tried Oye Como Va and that one worked!

Conclusion: midomi works great with Spanish music but is biased against whites and blacks.

Update: Since everybody is antisemitic, I decided to check If I Were A Rich Man (from Fiddler on the Roof). The main match was some song by Gwen Stefani but a couple down from it was the Fiddler match. Then I played the Gwen Stefani song to see why it matched and now I just feel old...so terribly old.

That's What She Said

Interesting article on exercising while pregnant and after. Too bad it left out what I thought was the most amazing part. In an interview after the marathon, the winner, Paula Radcliffe, was asked about her training and said that she continued to run twice a day for the first 5 months of pregnancy, cut down to once a day through the seventh month and then every other day after that until the day before she gave birth!

People think I'm crazy to have run the race and I haven't even had a kid...



at least, none that I know of.

Who's Dick Burns?

You've been sickened by my Scrapple eating and repulsed by Kimchi chocolates. These are kid's play compared to the guy who eats weird meat including bull penis and baby bee larvae. Enjoy!

Lazy Post Jumped Over The Quick Marathoner

Unlike most days, today's marathon blog post is worth reading.

Do You Like Green Eggs Anus Ham?

Tomorrow I'll start to carb-load for the marathon. Sometime in the past I read that before carb-loading you should carb-unload. Basically that means the Atkins diet. I figured I could handle that...for one meal.

I decided to have some eggs for dinner but after some discussion with a friend decided to really man-up and go for the ultimate egg meal. An egg, egg omelet. That is an omelet filled with a fried egg and a hard boiled egg. Here's a picture.

All I added was salt, pepper and hot sauce. The difference in textures between the three eggs made for a surprisingly not awful meal. I'd like to say something funnier, like it had the texture of blue whale semen or tasted like my ex-girlfriend's anus but I don't know what either of those are like, thankfully.

I also had a salad with some cottage cheese but I was still hungry. I searched around looking for dessert but all I had was carb-laden cookies and granola bars and such. Then I found something.

Despite knowing better, let me assure you...baking chocolate is no dessert.

I think it would lose in a taste test vs. the above referenced anus.

Next maybe I'll try an egg salad crepe.

P.S. - Did you misread the post title?

Have I Wasted Enough Time Yet?

It's 5am. I've been up since 3:30 with this f***ing Love, Reign O'er Me song running through my head like a freight train. How does this song end? Make it stop!

Crossword puzzle #2, version 2 (maybe I should call it 2.1 to make it seem like I wasted less manpower on it) is on its way to the NYTimes. I allow myself only a sliver of hope that it might find its way into newsprint. And by sliver I mean that it is about as likely as me getting this freaking song out of my head anytime soon.

It's 5:15am. Continuing to ramble, I was just thinking about those tests you take in middle/high school that tell you what field you should go into. I don't remember what mine said but it certainly wasn't "engineer". Those tests must not be very good because it's hard to imagine something I'd be better at.

Except maybe gigolo or Chippendale dancer.

Here's an abbreviated version of how a "real life" version of one of these tests would work.

1. Do you like to play with fire?


• Yes - go into firefighting


2. Do you like to shoot people?


• With a camera? - Try photography


• With a gun? - Try the military or police


3. Do you like to have sex with children?


1. If Yes, are you religious?


• Yes - Become a priest or minister.


• No - Become a teacher or child care worker.


2. If No, do you like to have sex with women?


• Yes - Become a rock and roll star or an investment banker


• No - Become an engineer or a mime
  

Die And Let Die

Recently, the people in charge of our government put together a plan (they call it "guidance") on how to ration a vaccine in case there is a flu pandemic. They would divide the country into 5 tiers. Guess who is included in Tier 1.

Surprise! "Key government leaders"

Of course, the witty and clever people that would ensure people still had something to laugh about as their loved ones died are in Tier 5. So, the future America will have plenty of doctors, morons to lead those doctors, crazy EMT personnel, policemen, firemen, pregnant woman and 6-12 month old babies.

Global warming solved.

This whole situation reminds a little of first grade in school. During a fire drill, the class had to line up in height order. Since I was the tallest, I was last. The message was loud and clear:

In case of fire, sacrifice the tallest people!

It's A Giant Dolores!

Read through this recent John Kirby post; just read the ad, don't bother with his response. Go ahead. I'll wait.

Are you sure you read it? Ok, then scroll down.






















Which part is funniest:

1. The use of "off course" vs. "of course" in the context of anal sex?
2. The reference to "mutual cunnilingus" between a woman and a man?!
3. The fact that this woman is a biology teacher!

Adieu Adieu To You And You And You

To my co-workers: It's been fun working with you (mostly). I'll be leaving as soon as I get my mortgage brokers license.

In one case, the EEOC alleged that First Mutual, a mortgage company in Cherry Hill, N.J., subjected a male employee to a sexually hostile work environment, sexual harassment by a female co-worker and retaliatory firing when he complained. According to the lawsuit, the alleged harasser e-mailed nude photos of herself and of another woman to the man's company computer.

When It Dings, Your Baby Is Fully Cooked

Watch how quickly this post runs off the tracks...

There was a little blurb about the Army using a Doppler radar to detect beating hearts through walls.

This reminds of an episode of Star Trek where, at some point, they play everyone's heartbeat sounds through the PA and find there is someone hidden on the ship. I don't know the name of the episode but I do know someone that does. You can give him just about any summary or even small snippet of an episode and he can tell you which one it was. For example:

Which is the episode with Quatloos?
Which is the episode with the blonde who wears the silver dress that makes an X over her breasts?
Which is the episode where Bones says "Damn it, I'm a doctor not an escalator."

My friend seems quite embarrassed by all this knowledge but he shouldn't be embarrassed.



He should be ashamed.

What was this post about? Oh, yeah. Doppler radar. And what is the best, non-military use they could think of for this technology?

"[...] this technology could be incorporated into cars as a sophisticated baby monitor, which would mean no more excuses for leaving your kid in the car."

Eat This Post

In case you don't normally read my marathon blog, tonight's post was probably worth a minute of your time.

The Last Nobel, The Angels Did Say

The Nobel Peace Prize has been announced and the winner is...Al Gore? WTF?

"He is probably the single individual who has done most to create greater worldwide understanding of the measures that need to be adopted," said Ole Danbolt Mjoes, chairman of the Nobel committee.

peace - n.

1 : a state of tranquillity or quiet: as a : freedom from civil disturbance b : a state of security or order within a community provided for by law or custom
2 : freedom from disquieting or oppressive thoughts or emotions
3 : harmony in personal relations
4 a : a state or period of mutual concord between governments b : a pact or agreement to end hostilities between those who have been at war or in a state of enmity
5 -- used interjectionally to ask for silence or calm or as a greeting or farewell

Which of these definitions is the one they are using? As I read and re-read them the only thing I can think is I need a little peace (definition #2).

Here's a quick quiz. Which of the following people/groups has done the least to slow/prevent global warming?

1. Hitler
2. The Khmer Rouge
3. Owners of sonogram clinics in India
4. Turks
5. AIDS
   
6. Al Gore

If you look from the opposite direction, who has done the most to accelerate global warming, I think you could easily choose the Catholic Church with it's be fruitful and multiply, anti-abortion and anti-contraception policies. Sure, they get a little credit for the Crusades and such but it clearly hasn't been enough. That would make the Pope the Hitler of the Global Warming Holocaust. Congratulations. Your Nobel Prize is on the way.

I can't believe it, but the Nobel committee has jumped the shark.

The Lesser Known Brother Of Max Factor

My friends keep sending me pictures of their daughters.

Naked.

At some point Chris Hansen will show up at my door and ask me what I think I'm doing.

They are both under 3 years old but at some point they have to stop. What's the cut-off date? 4? 5? (Update: To all the people e-mailing me, NO, I will NOT send you copies of the pictures!)

Last night on Dr. 90210, a 25-year old woman was having a breast lift. Her dad was not at the operation but was there when the bandages came off. I think that if your daughter is 25 and has some kind of breast surgery, as a dad you get 1 second, maybe 2, to give a clinical review and then move on to something else. Basically, make sure they're about the same size and the nipples are centered (i.e. your daughter is cross-nippled). That's it. The guy last night was practically drooling over his daughters breasts! Daddy's little girls! Ick Factor 8!

It totally made me lose my erection. (That's a joke people!)

Who Took My Red Grappler?

I think I figured out what I want to do for my next job.

Mixed martial arts referee.

From what I can see, the qualifications are:

1. Wear gloves (because of all the blood)
2. Stop the fight when one guy passes out, taps out or dies
3. Make sure fighters don't hit their opponent in the back of the head or the balls (those are all the rules)
4. Say "Let's git it on!"

I'll need to work a little on the gloves.

Get On The Sauce

I have an idea for a bar where people don't drink anything but still get drunk.

Defenestrate The Milk From Your Nose

Wolfger submitted this great link in his comment on the previous post.

You other readers are total slackers.

Subterranean Excommunication Blues

I'm sure you've heard about the Jena 6 but have you heard about the Little Rock 6? Talk about injustice! Where are Bob Dylan and Joan Baez when you need them?

Sister Mary Theresa, Sister Maria Theresa, Sister Theresa Maria and three other sisters, none of whom are true sistas, were excommunicated from the Catholic Church. Not surprisingly, at 82 years of age, Sister Mary doesn't really give a crap.

So why is the Catholic Church giving these little old ladies a curb job*? Because they believe in Mary! Jesus Christ, isn't that part of church doctrine?

Yes, of course it is. If a statue cries blood or a sprinkler causes a rainbow on your window or if your grilled cheese looks funny, that's the real Mary but if someone claims to be the reincarnation of Mary, whoa Nellie, that's excommunication.

Aside for Bob Dylan. Here's a start for your new protest song:
Reincarnation
Excommunication
What in tarnation
has caused this sensation?

You can make up the rest. Just run it by me when you're done. Thanks!

Since these old ladies were "deluded" to think they may be talking to Mary, they had to go. That includes removing

"the Eucharist -- which Catholics revere as the body of Christ -- from the monastery"

because you sure don't want any crazy people eatin' Jesus!

On top of that, a spokesman for the group associated with Sister Mary Reincarnatia says that she does not claim to be the reincarnation of Mary at all. She just "receives graces" from the Virgin Mary and God. I'm a little suspicious because my understanding is that you either have grace or you don't. You can't have a little grace and you can't acquire grace. The spokesman added:

"The Virgin Mary took possession of her soul. I would rather say it that way."

Because that sounds much saner.


* - Look up "curb job" in the might-not-be-work-safe Urban Dictionary.

A Long Duck Post

I just overheard this snippet of a conversation:

manager 1: isn't dong free?
manager 2: no.
manager 1: oh. maybe it was some other dong.
manager 2: there's a dong over in back end. maybe you're thinking of wong?

I've removed all capitalization to make things funnier.

Breaking News: Bunny Ranch Buys CNBC

Isn't $80 kinda expensive, even for Sharon Epperson? Any of my readers keep up on the price of these things?

Lose 10 Lbs. Of Ugly Weight

According to this article, the reason you are fat is because you are on a "see food" diet.

In one experiment, Wansink placed candy jars of chocolate in office workers' cubicles for a month. Then, he moved the candy six feet away. Simply having the candy closer meant the office workers ate five more candies a day.

Hmm. Why not conclude that people are just too f*cking lazy to walk the extra 6 feet to get more candy?

And that brings me to introduce my new diet plan, the Distance Diet. You can already see that this is a great diet because it has a catchy, alliterative name. Even though it is only one diet it works in two different ways. That's like buying one diet and getting the other for free! I don't see Jenny or Nutri doing that! And if the name doesn't excite you, the use of exclamations points sure will!!!

Here's the plan: Simply increase the distance between where you eat and where you store your food until you start losing weight. It's that simple!

You'll lose weight in two different ways. First, the exercise factor: you'll be burning extra calories walking all that distance to get your food! How easy is that?

"Not that easy," you say? "It's too far," you say? Well, that's the secret, built-in secondary diet. The food will be so far away that you'll be too lazy to go get it! Instead you'll substitute something like smoking to get you through the day.

Once you get down to your ideal weight, you can use my Cessation Sensation plan to quit smoking!

Marcel Marceau Tribute

The Book Of Jobs

Whether you think Steve Jobs is a megalomaniacal ass or not, and it is only a matter of time before his giant swelled head causes him and his company to get stuck in a well (again), you'll probably find this recent Woot! funny.

Full disclosure: I do own one Apple product. A 1981 Apple ][+ which my parents have been asking me to move out of their garage for about 20 years.

This Is What Happens When You're Confined To Your Building

If you're thinking "Hey, that looks like a new link on Jay's blog," then you'd be right and either have autism or just need to get a life.

NO! Don't click it! At least not at work. Are you crazy? Did I say "Hey, check out this new link"? No. Did I say it was work safe? No. (Actually, it is only work safe if you're the kind of worker that can get away with feeding his boss Kimchi Chocolate.)

Just in case that wasn't clear, the new link is not work safe.

For my two non-autistic and non-lifeless readers, the link I'm refering to is the one titled In Response to Your Craig's List Ad.

Thanks Zimbo!

And Blood Feuds. They're Big On Those, Too

Albania!
Albania!
You border on the Adriatic
Your land is mostly mountainous
And your chief export is chrome!

That's about the limit for most Americans' knowledge about Albania. Here are some other facts and myths about Albania.

Fact: Albania is actually called Shqipëria, which is pronounced just the way you'd think.
Myth: Captain Lou Albano is from Albania.
Fact: From the late 1920's through the 1930's, Albania was led by the Cartoon Network's King Zog I.
Myth: Albanian's own/run all the pizza joints in New York City.
Fact: In Albania, pizza is called qzshrw, which is pronounced pete-sa.

Daily life in Albania consists of doing things like making the world's largest toothpick mosaic or setting your truck on fire because the Albanian soccer team lost to arch nemesis, the Dutch.

He Got Hit By Lightning Playing Disc Golf

There was a family (parents plus son [maybe 5] and daughter [maybe 7]) out in the park today where I was playing disc golf. They were flying a kite until the gusty winds drove it into the ground and broke it. While the dad tried to fix it, the son struck up a conversation with me.

kid: Hi-aye!
me: Hello!
kid: Today is good for kites.
me: It sure is.
kid: Do you have a kite?
me: No. I don't.
kid: I do.
me: I can see that.
kid: My parents got it for me.
me: Uh-huh.
kid: It's a family kite. My mom and dad both have families. But my dad's family is old and my mom's dad died.

And then mom swooped in, picked up her son and off they went.

Alice Doesn't Live Here Any More

Arriving home after my bike ride this morning, I checked my mail. A quick glance showed the normal credit card offers, a catalog, something from the library (what the?) and something from (dum dum dummmmmm) the IRS.

It doesn't matter how honestly you fill out your taxes; nobody wants to get a letter form the IRS. So I opened the library mail first.

Overdue book! That's crazy! I have one book out and it's due today. I know this for sure because I just checked yesterday. Maybe it's for a book I returned and they lost? Nope. Says right there "Running with Scissors". Worse is that I haven't finished it and now I can't renew it online. Oh well. I should be able to straighten that out. Now to envelope number 2.

What does the IRS want? As I'm about to open the envelope I notice it is not addressed to me. It's to a previous tenant. I'd swear this happened before. Very annoying.

Take This Tool And Shove It

Here's a tool that you never knew you needed.

Or just use a ShopVac.



Thanks (or threats) go to alert reader E (actually his kids) for this one.

Golf Monkey Golf

WARNING! This post is about golf! Do NOT read it while driving!

After two weeks I think Golf's FedEx Cup can be declared a dismal failure. Expect them to "tweak" things next year and drop the whole debacle after that. Prediction Monkey says so.

It's not hard to understand why they've tried this. Playoffs are exciting! Well, they are in NCAA Basketball and maybe a couple other sports. But not in golf. Or NASCAR. Or drag racing.

Look at it like this: you have each event be somewhat important OR you can trade off some importance from a bunch of events and move, even concentrate it, into a small number of events (like playoffs or Majors). You can't have both. The human mind does not allow it.

Perhaps He Was Supposed To Be Señor Manager, In Charge Of Landscaping?

I received this email today at work (names changed to protect the innocent...meaning me)

From: Head, Richard
To: Head, Richard; [yours truly], Jay
Subject:

Test

Dick Head
Senior Manager
etc. etc.

Just to be clear, I have no idea who this Dick is. I've never heard of him. I've never worked with him. But, based on what I do know about him, he probably should not be a Senior Manager. I think that "Ability to properly use email" should be a minimum qualification for that job.

Prairie Dogging Eliminated

Based on my last post post, someone sent me a link for a "weight gain" device.

I told them that anyone that says they've gained weight using that device is just full of sh*t.

Yo Fatso!

When I was in high school I used to this disgusting "weight gain" powder. Not only did it taste like cement, it did not work. I was thin as a kid. I was thin as a young adult. I'm thin now. I'm beginning to doubt that will ever change.

Tonight I was watching the Track & Field Championships and they are showing the Men's High Jump. One guy is getting ready to jump and Dwight Stones says

"Now this guy is a beast. 6'6" 184 lbs."

In the world of elite high jumping, someone my size is considered "a beast". In the world of engineering, not so much.

The next guy up was described as having a perfect build for a high jumper. He was 6'3" 134 lbs. In case you think I mistyped, that was six-three, one hundred thirty four pounds.

As I re-read this post it reminds of a quote from Planes, Trains and Automobiles

"[...]when you're telling these little stories? Here's a good idea - have a POINT. It makes it SO much more interesting for the listener!"

Another Reason Not To Shake Hands With Politicians

I try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that in a public restroom, tapping your right foot is "a signal used by persons wishing to engage in lewd conduct." I plan to inject my legs with Novocaine the next time I go to the bathroom.

I learned this lovely tidbit, thanks to Senator Craig of Goddammit-I'm-Not-Gay Idaho and his airport bathroom antics. Of course, despite pleading guilty, he denies any misconduct. He actually said

"I was trying to handle this matter myself quickly and expeditiously."

Tell me that's not a euphemism for "charming the one-eyed spitting cobra".

Feel free to read the rest of the article.

Update! Editorial cartoon on same subject.

Is Everything Really Better With Blue Bonnet On It?

Just about anything is better with chocolate. Peanuts. Raisins. Bananas. Pancakes. Sex. Pretzels. Milk. Even beer (well, Kölsh beer, at least).

Here's one thing that's not on that list. Kimchi. If you're not familiar with this Korean dish, it is most often cabbage fermented in a solution of salt, garlic, scallions and ground (hot!) peppers. If you've never tasted it, imagine sauerkraut with Tabasco mixed in. Got it? OK, now add a lot more Tabasco and you've got an idea.

And so, it was with great trepidation that I approached.
Yes, you read that correctly. Kimchi Chocolate. A more foul combination I cannot conceive. [Wait! Peanut Butter Fish Milk Cheese! Yeah. That is much worse.]

After eating my lunch I opened the package. The tiny square was scored for four pieces. I broke one off and popped it into my mouth.

First, the chocolate sucks. Worse than Hersey's. It is grainy and hardly has any chocolate flavor. Next, a weird off-taste hits. Maybe it's the sourness. It doesn't last long. Then I swallow and that's when the peppers hit. Holy syphilis that burns! Yuck!

Now comes the hard part; trying to convince everyone else at the lunch table to try it. Wusses! I even ate a second piece of that chocolate barf.

Finally, someone took a square, cut off a tiny bit and ate it. They went through some histrionics and nobody else dared try any.

I went back to my desk with the one square I had left. As I approached my cube, I saw one of my cubemates engaged in conversation with my manager. I walked over to the two of them and said, "Anybody want a piece of chocolate?" Without even looking at my cubemate, I quickly added, "Oh, I've only got one left," and I shoved the rancid browness directly in front of my manager. He greedily took it with his small rat-like hands and gobbled up the offering. I turned away, trying not to laugh too loud.

"Thanks, Jay. That's pretty good," was his initial response. A few seconds later came, "Oh my! That's different! Spicy!" And he quickly left the area. Heh heh heh.

We Don't Need No Water Let The Mother%@#$ Burn

"It was monstrously painful. I was burning like a torch. I don't know what I did to deserve this."

I'm sure it was something horrible. It always is...the guy's fault, I mean. Look at recent news. Michael Vick will probably spend 2 or 3 years in jail for killing some dogs while Mary Winkler got 2 months for killing her husband.

If only Michael had thought to use the excuse that the dogs made him engage in sex and wear slutty outfits, he might be playing football this fall.

Well, that and being white.

Let's Do A Bear Bong

Read this story about a guy found half-eaten in a bear cage. Go ahead, I'll wait.




Here's my theory on what happened: the took off his clothes and smeared some honey on his manhood hoping the bears might lick it (and him) off. Oops!

If you've got a better theory, I'd love to hear it. Leave it in the comments.

Size 12, You Said?

This weekend I called a friend's house to see if he wanted to go do something. The conversation went like this (names changed to protect the innocent):

phone (women's voice): Hello?
me: Hi Joan! [his wife]
(pause)
phone: It's Steve. [his son]
me: Oh, Steve...uh, is your dad around?

Sorry Steve! Give it a couple more years and no one will mistake you for your mother. Or sister.

This Post Is Temporarily Out Of Order

Apparently I was constiposted for a week. That's when you don't post anything for a while and then all kinds of crap gets posted in s short amount of time. If you are wonder who coined that phrase, it was me, just now. Consider yourself lucky to be in the shadow of the original constipostion.

I just learned of new service, numbr.com, which was created by the craigslist people. It allows you to create a temporary phone number, in any of a bunch of cities around the US, and forward the calls to your regular phone. The original purpose was to allow people to put a phone number in their craigslist ads without having to reveal their real numbers.

As soon as I figure out something useful to do with this, I'll let you know and then you can call me and tell me what a stupid idea it is.

Monkey Predicts Four Rejections

For those who don't know, I've been creating crossword puzzles lately. I finished three already and have submitted two to the NY Times for publication. I heard back regarding my first puzzle and the answer was, unsurprisingly, no. The good news is that although the rejection was a generic form letter, they included general guidelines for the puzzles they are looking for. The first puzzle had far too many clues. (I think the second puzzle I submitted will fail for the same reason.)

If you're interested you can get a printable copy of the crossword or e-mail me if you want an electronic version.

The Jay Jay Post

About once a month or so, I make a visit to Aldi. For those of you who don't know, Aldi is a mostly very cheap, mostly store-brand, bad-part-of-town (cheap rents) kind of grocery store. The store's are small and have a limited selection of a few hundred items (many of them junk food). The dairy section is probably smaller than the milk section at your supermarket. The vegetables could all fit in the lettuce section. The fruits wouldn't even fill the apple section.

The store brands have various names: Casa Mamita for Mexican food, Millville for cereal, Fit & Active for "healthy" food, Grandessa for "fancy" food, etc.

Today I was browsing the Personal Care section. This section has a multivitamin, decongestant, antihistamine, deodorant, etc. Until today I had never noticed the feminine hygiene products (pads and tampons). What caught my was the brand name.

Jafeena

I kid you not. If you don't believe me here's the trademark registered at the USPTO.

I didn't see condoms, but I assume those would be Nipees brand or something like that.

Now You Too Can Play With My Monkey

Here's an update for those of you wondering who, if anyone, is beating my monkey.

So far, it has been a tame year for hurricanes in the Atlantic. Because of this, both the NOAA and William Gray of Colorado State have lowered their predictions for the number of hurricanes this year to nine and eight storms, respectively. Apparently, the NOAA and Gray feel that predicting hurricanes is equivalent to Microsoft's "Estimated time to download" applet that bounces between 4 hours and 3 hours and never actually ticks down the seconds. It might as well say "Random amount of time".

I thought, if these guys can change their predictions than maybe I should play with my monkey again and see what he spits out. Alas, I was too tired yesterday to shoot my monkey on the stairs. So, tonight when I get home, I'll grab my monkey and see if we have a new prediction.

If anyone else would like to use my monkey for a prediction. Please send you name, question and topless photo to monkey at talljay (dotcom of course).

You're Making A German Spectacle Of Yourself

I hate posting another YouTube clip but this one is worth it. Give it a minute or so to get to the good parts.

This Will Get You Going

I'm not sure what to say about this commercial but you'll probably need to watch it at least twice to catch all the innuendo.

Do The Limb-o

Two interesting stories today:

The first is about a man with an over-used limb.

The second is about a man with an over-used limb.

The Lights Are On But Nobody's Home

I gotta say, I love this "every Wednesday is a vacation day" plan. I feel refreshed and revived. Well, until this morning I did.

I was heading to work. Driving down a steep hill, there is a cop at the bottom (on the corner of the cross street) with his lights on. He appears to be parked (maybe giving someone a ticket or something) but I approach slowly anyway. The street I'm on is the through street. The cross street has a stop sign.

I'm about 3/4 of the way down the hill when the cop, lights still on, moves toward the intersection. I assume he's going through and slow down even more. He's just sitting there. Does he not think he can get through? Does he think I'll speed up? I slow almost to a stop and just feet away from the intersection and...

he turns off his lights. I continue through the intersection and in my rearview mirror, I watch the cop cross the intersection.

To serve and protect and drive like shit. And people are surprised when they hear about cops on the take.

It's The Euphemisms, Stupid

If the press covered my daily home life, yesterday's headline would have been:

Jay Sets Nuts On Fire, Burns Date

Incredibly, I had my pants on the entire time.

What happened was, I was making some cookies. These cookies contained everything that was in my pantry that could conceivably go into a cookie that had not been eaten by my new roommates (more on them later): oatmeal, chocolate chips, walnuts and dates. I didn't have a recipe for a cookie with that much of my junk in them so I just wang it. Wait, I think I meant "winged it".

Once I got my junk out of the mixing bowl, the hardest part was at hand: how long do I keep my cookies in the oven for things to come out right? Since my cookies are big, I figured on around 16 minutes.

After 8 minutes, my stuff was looking good. I set the timer for another 8 minutes. Quite a while later, I checked the timer, which read 7:59 (whoops!). I went immediately to pull my cookies from the over but I had come to late. My nuts were already burned.

As for my new roommates, who apparently enjoy nibbling on my silicon bakeware, I'm sending you on an all-expenses-paid trip to mouse heaven.

Clearly, I Won't Be Dying Any Time Soon

Pussy harbinger of death!

Wearing Nothing But A Smile

I just want to point out that I do not live in Brattleboro.

Bangers And Mash

For those of you that haven't been watching the Tour de France (and I believe that would be all of you) you missed a spectator dressed as a, um, well, just have a look.

Toon Up

People have asked me to post a picture. Here are two.

Me as a South Park character. (Make yours here.)


Me as a Simpsons character. (Make yours here.)

Show'em You're Cross

I apologize if you don't understand this post but it must posted.

Nerts - 64,600 Google hits
Ticer - 341,000 Google hits

Say 4 Our Father's and 978,485,322 Hail Mary's

$660,000,000 for 500+ cases of abuse. The exact distribution to be based on time and severity of the abuse.

Maybe something like:

• fondling: $20,000
• forced to blow a priest: $100,000
• blown by a priest: $20 (this could really add up though)
  
• toss a Holy salad: $2,000,000
• f**ked in the ass by a priest: $1,000,000
• f**ked in the ass by a lawyer: 40% of all that money you made...the hard way

This calls for my favorite lawyer joke:

Q: Why do lawyers always wear neckties?

A: To keep the foreskin from rolling over their heads.

I bet all those priests are walking around with thumb drives, too.

Dumber Than A Gas Pump

Some nearby gas stations have started selling gas about $0.40/gal cheaper than everyone else. Since I needed gas, I decided to take advantage. Unsurprisingly, there was a line at the station; not like a 1970's gas line but still a line none-the-less.

There were 8 pumps at the station. At first people were sharing nicely with those entering from one side using the first 4 pumps and those entering from the other entrance using the last 4 pumps. Then someone had to be a dick and everybody had to choose a pump to line up behind. I became the second car waiting at pump 8.

Eventually the current pumper finished, shook off the end of the hose, and left. The guy in front of me moved into position and I creeped ahead. He got out of his car and stared at the pump for a bit. I think he may have been reading it. Maybe he couldn't believe the prices or thought there was some kind of catch? He stood there for a good 15 seconds accomplishing nothing and I felt like Nancy Kerrigan. Finally he walked inside, I assume to pay cash. I did not see any other person go inside while I was at the station.

He returned and opened his gas cap. He stared at the pump a little more and chose the "regular" nozzle, inserting it in his car. He squeezed the handle and nothing happened. And then he stared at the pump again. And stared. And started.

In hindsight, I know what his problem was. There were 3 nozzles at the pump: regular, mid and premium. Next to the mid and premium nozzles was a red square clearly printed with "Press to Start".

The regular nozzle had a red square with a worn out middle. Who knows what it might have said? "Press when finished." "Press for emergency." "Press you friggin' idiot!" How long did it take this guy, who is apparently licensed to drive, to figure out how to start the pump? I was just about to get out of my car to start it for him.

Now, the boy genius can't figure out to get the handle to lock in the "on" position. He tries several methods which couldn't possibly work before deciding either: to just give up or that the thing must be broken [which it wasn't].

He must have paid for a certain amount of gas because even though the handle has "popped", indicating the tank is full, he keeps releasing it and pulling it. Pop. Release. Pull. Pop. Ok, you get the idea. I counted 30 not including all the ones I missed before I started counting or after I got tired of counting.

Finally, he replaced the nozzle. Put his gas cap back on. Gave the pump one more stare and got into his car.

And sat there, futzing with something before eventually leaving.

Fortunately, I drive so little I won't need gas again for about a month.

Gives "The Burning Bush" A Whole New Meaning

One of my favorite pastimes is seeing how people find my blog. Here's another example:

Search Engine google.co.il
Search Words sex milk from woman

Number 1, this shows that at least 1 person in Israel is not totally occupied with killing "the other side".

Number 2, what the hell is this person searching for? I have no idea. So, if you return, please let me know what you are trying to find. If not, I'll just make something up.

Any Brazilian Disc Golfers Out There?

I screwed up my back. I believe it was from disc golfing on Sunday. I woke up Monday morning almost unable to get out of bed. Tuesday was much better with only slight pain. Today it's worse again although not as bad as Monday was.

I'm eating ibuprofen like they contain Streptococci bacteria* and I hope I'll be able to run again by this weekend.

* - Explanation (possibly not work safe, only read if you haven't eaten recently)

Pope On A Slope

The Vatican released a document that states something along the lines of "Catholics are the only 'true' Christians". The reason? Basically, because they are the only ones following Catholicism.

Wait. It gets better.

The document stressed that dialogue with other Christians remained "one of the priorities of the Catholic Church."

"[...] it is fundamental to any kind of dialogue that the participants are clear about their own identity. That is, dialogue cannot be an occasion to accommodate or soften what you actually understand yourself to be."

In other words, "We're open to talking to others as long as they understand that we're right and they are wrong."

Boy, does that sound familiar.

Giant Vibrator

I previously promised that if I wrote anything vaguely resembling humor in Marathon blog, I'd put a link here. Promise fulfilled.

On another subject I came across this Vibration Fitness Power machine. OK, maybe "came across" was not the best choice of words. Here are some of the features (complete with original grammatical errors):

• Machine comes a display console with 3-LED that displays time, speed and body fat Value
• Maximum user weight for up to 264 lbs (machine weights 121 lbs)
• Warranty 10 days after receiving the product

Plus, look at what this baby can do (bold highlights are mine):

The Effects of the Power Massage Plate: 1) fat burning: because the metabolism increases by training. The vibrations reshape the body in the hip, waist and abdomen areas.2) Cellulites and cosmetics: The massage exercises loosen the agglutinations and results in better mobility of the tissue layers. The image of the skin will also improve, because the cellulites are broken down and the connective tissue is enhanced therefore it would boost your body's natural collagen production for improved skin texture.3) Rapid muscle increase: During the Training almost 100% of the muscle fibers are utilized. 4) Increase in flexibility: Due to better blood flow, heating of the muscles and the tendon stretching reflex the body becomes much more supple and relaxed. 5) Spur circulation of blood and improve your metabolism: During training, the muscles pump blood into the smallest capillaries up to 50 times per second so the cells receive fuel more rapidly and causes waste products to be disposed of much faster. 6) Coordination improvement: The receptors in the entire body are stimulated at the same time, which leads to improved coordination of the relating muscles at the same time the sense of balance are trained.7) The vibrations stimulate and move your intestines so you won't suffer from constipation anymore. 8) Improved condition: As the muscles become stronger, more is required of all the supply systems, which results in an increased efficiency of these systems. 9) Reduce your back and joint pains and builds your bone density and fight osteoporosis 10) Relieves Stress: It helps you relax with its vibration and it also can help you fight insomnia. All you need is 10 to 15 min a day to improve your health and achieve the shape you desire!

And make sure you check out the picture. In the lower right, it shows the various "exercises" you can do with this giant vibrator, like stand on it, sit on it, sit on it sideways or even just put one foot on it. What the heck am I running for?

Skip The Special Sauce

CKE Restaurants is suing Jack-in-the-Box over its latest commercials. I found two on YouTube, one funnier than the other.

CKE, parent of the Carl's Jr. and Hardee's fast-food chains, sued Jack In The Box in May over television commercials it says misleads customers into confusing CKE's Angus hamburgers with meat from a cow's anus.

Number 1 (or maybe I should start with number 2?), CKE clearly believes that their customers are so dumb [how dumb are they] ...they are so dumb that would confuse Angus with anus.

Number 2/3, if the people eating these burgers actually saw the meat being used, might they not prefer to eat a cow's anus? Or Scrapple?

Also note that, at least in America, the rear portion of the cow is knows as the "round". Purely coincidental, I'm sure.

Choose Your Poison: Snakes Or God On A Plane

The guy sitting next to me is on his cell phone explaining the what he used to think "fear of God" meant and what he now thinks it means. Previously, he was afraid of going to hell. Now, he "understands" that "fear" means "reverence". He has repeated this at least 15 times.

His wife (I assume) has just joined him and he's off the phone. Now, he's explaining this same concept to his wife.

I am saved!

...by the boarding announcement. First is Zone 1.
Guy (to his wife): What zone are you?
Wife: I'm zone 4.
Guy: What zone am I?
Wife: You're zone 6.
Guy: What zone are you?
Wife: Zone 4.
Guy: And I'm?
Wife: Zone 6.
Guy: Why are we in different zones?
[editor: I'll tell you why. Because you're annoying. You are so frickin' annoying that your wife, who was mysteriously missing while you explained your "fear", pretended to go to the bathroom, snuck through security and changed her seat so that she wouldn't have to listen to for the next hour and a half. Here's an idea: Instead of finding God, find a topic of conversation that might be interesting to a listener. Failing that, just be quiet.]
Wife: I don't know.
Guy: They must load the aisle seats first, then the window.
[Clearly, this guy is some kind of genius.]
{Now boarding Zone 4}
Wife: That's me.
[Wow, did she move quick!]

PortPost

My first flight today was scheduled to leave around 4. My dad had a follow-up doctor visit at 1:30. Some asswipes in the UK exploded an SUV or something at an airport. Added up, it meant being dropped off at the airport around 1 and leaving my parents' place around 12:30.

At 11am, my dad comes in, dressed and ready to go. My mom asks what time we're leaving. I think this is the 5th or 6th time she's asked. Translation: we want to leave earlier.
Me: How about a little before 12:30.
Mom: OK.

That's OK as in "OK, we'll leave at 12:15, unless we leave earlier." We were in the car at 12:15. Fiddled with the GPS for 5 minutes. Got to the airport at 12:40. Fortunately, I would the new security procedures to slow me down.

The new security procedure was: after showing your ID at the security line, you had to show your ID at the security line again. Wow, do I feel safer.

Posted thanks to free airport WiFi.

Son Aquitted In Beating Mom

If you're just joining us, here's a quick recap on my dad.

Previously :
Now ;

Plus he finally has his appetite back. There will be a follow-up visit in a few weeks.

Yesterday, I played golf with my mom. After two holes, she decided we should play "match play" and, surprise, she was already up by a hole. Later, after I took the lead, she tried some mind games.
Mom: I don't think where white helps keep you cool. (I was wearing white.)

Mom: Do you see the water to the right?
Me: Yeah, I see it.
Mom: Ok, I just want to make sure because of your slice.

Then I crushed her! Not bad for someone who hasn't played in a year.

I'm soooooo looking forward to the asinine rules they have in place when I fly home tomorrow.

What A Tool

After several days on pirate radio, I got DSL installed at my parents' house, along with a wireless router. The kit came with 5 filters. They need 6 but can get by for now. Actually, they had 14, yes, FOURTEEN devices plugged into the phone jacks before the DSL went in. Phones, faxes, modem, ringers, WebTV, alarm and god-knows-what.

Then there's the whole role-reversal thing. When I was a kid, I'd help my dad with all kinds of stuff.
Me: What can I do to help?
Dad: Get me a screwdriver.
Me (handing it to him): Here you go.
Dad: No, I need a Phillips.
So, I'm putting in the DSL and my dad asks how he can help. I'm moving furniture around and he's not allowed to lift more than five lbs. for a week. So I asked him for a screwdriver.

He brought me one with eight interchangeable tips.

Another Round Of Rings

Golf rained out so we've been home all morning.

From about 7:30am through around 11am the phone rings non-stop. If it doesn't get answered then the cell phones start ringing. Here's what it's like:
(ring)
(ring)
Hello? Oh, hi! ... Yes, he's doing much better. We need to make an app...oh, can you hold on one second? Thanks.
Hello? Oh hi! ... Yes, he's doing much better. Can I call you back in a few minutes? Thanks.
You still there? Ok. So, we need to...
(Doo-be-doo-be-doo) (cell phone ringing)
Oh, that's my daughter, let me call you back in a few minutes, OK? Buh-bye.
Hello? ... Hi sweetie. Why'd you call my cell phone? ... Uh-huh ... Well, I had XYZ on hold and ABC called.
(ring)

20 minutes of phone calls and not one iota of information gets passed to anyone. Don't these people have blogs?

All Nodes Clear

They checked over 20 lymph nodes (which seems like a lot) and found no evidence that cancer had spread to any of them. This likely means no chemo but my dad will be talking to an oncologist later in the week.

My dad is doing so well, we're going to play golf tomorrow. And by "we" I mean me and my mom. Dad's letting me use his clubs...but they come with caveats.
"I don't carry any irons below a 5."
"I've got a 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9 wood."
"I've got a long putter." (Me: It'll problem seem normal size to me.)
"There's balls in the bottom pocket and more in the garage, under the ladder that's to the left of the shelf near the tool rack by the A/C." (Me: Wha?)

Just Chirp Your Heels Three Times

Here's an idea I offer to anyone who will make the damn thing and send me a dozen or so. A smoke detector with a clock so that when it detects a dead battery, it won't chirp at 4am. Has a smoke alarm battery ever died in the middle of the day? Ever?

I'll leave it to my readers to guess how my night was.

Dad called this morning in such a cheerful mood, it could only mean one thing.
Great breakfast? Nope.
Some tall guy is replacing all the batteries in the smoke detectors at his home? That's not it either.
They took down the sign that said "No digital exams." Ewwww, nooo.
His tests came back and they removed the entire tumor and he doesn't need chemo. Nyet.
He's being released today? Chirp, chirp, chirp. That's right.

Do The Do

Last night's nurse came in a little late. The reason, he told us, was because it was raining at his home and he didn't want to ruin the black hairspray he had just put on. He pointed to his hair, extolling the virtues of this great product. I don't know what his hair is like without it but it's hard to imagine it could be worse.

Shake It Up

We were in my dad's room and a show about that palm tree island in Dubai was on. They were talking about how they needed to do something to prepare for earthquakes, one having recently hit Bam, Iran.

me: You know who is from there?
Mom & Dad: Who?
me: Emeril Lagasse.
(awkward silence)
me: Get it? He's from Bam!
(much more awkward silence)
Dad: Hey, you know who comes from there?
me: Who?
Dad: That chef guy....Emeril.
(I look at my mom and we both start laughing.)
Mom: Honey. Jay just said that.
Dad: Said what?
Mom: Emeril Lagasse.
Dad: Oh, I thought he said Moammar Qaddafi.

It's like this everyday with my family.

And if you're not reading the comments, Dad has been upgraded from "clear liquids" to "soft goo" like oatmeal and pudding.

How Many Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb

Woke up this morning and the light in the hotel bathroom was out. Took a shower in relative darkness. I notified the front desk about the problem and a few minutes later someone showed up with a new bulb (one of those circular fluorescents). I said, "Ah, the new light. That was quick."

She responded with a heavy Spanish accent, "I try to fix." Uh oh.

She climbed up on a little ladder and wrenched the cover off, exposing the light. She started wrestling with the bulb itself when I noticed the light switch was in the "on" position. I said, "I'll turn the switch off for you."

After a minute or so a piece of plastic broke off and fell to the floor but the bulb remained stubbornly in the fixture. I thought about helping some more, telling her to "push up on that tab while pulling the bulb down" but the bulb finally was freed by brute force. Well, as much brute force as can be generated by someone who's 5 feet tall and maybe 100 lbs. She handed my the burned out bulb (I wonder if she'll tip me when she's done?) and I got the new bulb out and handed it to her.

It took her quite a bit of wrangling but she finally got it in. I flipped the switched and when it came on she said, "Hey!" and put out her hand for a "high five."

Dad update: Up and walking yesterday. He is on a restricted diet (clear liquids only) and I think that is bothering him more than anything.

I'm Baaaaack

Blog on.

I'm back in Florida and my dad was back in surgery almost exactly 6 months after his last surgery. This time for colon cancer. I read the report of what they planned to do and I thought it said that they were to remove a "large, neurotic mess" and I joked about how I had one of those removed recently, but it actually said "large necrotic mass."

The doctor felt pretty confident that he got the whole thing in one chunk. They don't currently plan and chemo or radiation. They did the surgery through a 4 or 5 inch incision co-located with his bellybutton so now his stomach resembles the Death Star explosion..the enhanced one in the re-released Episode IV...oh, nevermind.

In the airport, while waiting for my connection, I noticed the shirts of the guys sitting across from me. One said, "Let's flip for it. Heads, I get tail. Tails, I get head." The other shirt said, "Let's play army. I lie down and you blow the hell outta me."

Classy.

What You've Been Waiting For

Half this post was supposed to be my "piece de resistance" but despite quite an effort, that didn't work out.

The other half is my farewell as this will be my last post...at least for quite a while.

It's been fun.

Thank you and good night.

This Is Not Actually A Post

Inspired by Indexed.

But I Want An Oompa Loompa Nowwwww

Here's a teaser. In the next week or two, there will be a post here that entertain some, irk some and really piss some people off.

Unlike most of my posts, this one needs extra attention to get just right.

Those Who Can't Do, Link

If you like "witty and clever" check out the Indexed blog. I only browsed through a few but I liked this one, this one and this one, all for different reasons.

I will point out that I do (or have) pointed to a total of 5 other blogs. Of those, 3 are currently defunct or on hiatus (NY Hack, Cluefairy and Cereal Serial [I'm not sure if that one counts]). If you're the superstitious type then you might try to throw some salt in your wounds or stick a fork in your rear or whatever you think might counteract this curse.

How Many More Pets Need To Die To Get This Off The Front Page?

Here's a quick update on the top news stories today:

There were warning signs in the Virginia Tech shootings. Also, the "Beautiful, clever [and] talented" victims were honored. No word on the other victims. And, importantly, it is reported that the killer was "angry with rich kids" so if you're a kid, give away your money or grow up quickly. If you're a parent of a rich kid you can possibly save your child's life by reducing their allowance.

In the non-news section, some more people were killed in various places but they weren't American college students so who cares.

The only other important news story is:
If you're having trouble with your BlackBerry, you're not alone. The problem is limited to only those customers in the Western Hemisphere. If you rely on your BlackBerry for your livelihood, this situation is affectionately known as a RIM Job.

virginia tech

Are You Atwitter Or Just A Twit?

The following is a dramatization. Any similarity to any persons or companies, living, dead or bankrupt is purely coincidental.

Take a company. Maybe it's not been doing so great for a few years. They bring in a new CEO. The CEO needs to: actually fix things and/or appear hip and cool. The latter is much easier (except for say, Al Gore) and is the usual path. And if you want to be hip and cool today (well, yesterday) you start a blog.

Rule #1 of a blog. A blog that isn't updated at least 2 or 3 times a week dies. Even at 2 or 3 times a week, the owner is often berated for a lack of posts. Can a CEO keep up? I mean, they need to appear to be working hard. Don't they have something more important than updating their blog every couple of days?

Of course they do. So they post something in, say, December and then don't post again until April. Their assistant sends out an e-mail to everyone in the company to let them know there's a new post and to check their CEO's blog daily for updates. This is inefficiency honed to a perfect dullness.

Next stop: Twitter.

CEO third cup of joe, man this meeting is the sux0r
CEO don't these customers ever SHUT UP!
CEO "oooooh, I'm from wall street. You get paid too much." boo hoo
CEO just scheduled a "rally the troops" meeting in Beijing at the same time as the Olympics. What a coincidence!

When I'm In Bed All Weekend Sick, This Is The Kind Of Post You Get

Who can turn their morning drive to work into entertainment for several quarter dozen people?

Who can turn the world on with their smile?
Who can take a nothing day, and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?

Who can take a sunrise...Okay, enough of that.

My simple mission this morning, stop at the post office on the way to work to mail my taxes and a package. I arrived at the P.O. at 7:57, 3 minutes before opening. As I parked, three people got out of their cars and got in front of me in line waiting at the door.

The post office opened just after 8 with one counter worker. (What do you call these people? In a bank, they're tellers. Should we call them penns?) Customer #1 walks up to the counter with a UPS envelope. And so it begins.

After several minutes of discussion, the penn has finally convinced this woman that she can send whatever she is sending ina USPS envelope for $14.40 overnight. He hands her one of the overnight labels and sends her away to fill it out.

It turns out the second and third people on line are together. I can't quite figure out what the guy wants. At first I thought he was applying for a job but it turns out he needs a passport. "Passports don't open until 9:30," says the penn. Since the first woman is still busy filling out her form I take a step forward, ready to mail off my stuff.

Not...so...fast. First, the penn double checks with someone in the back about the passport times. He does this the same way a twelve-year-old does when asked to tell his dad it's time for dinner. "DAAAAAD! TIME FOR DINNERRRRRRR!" "9:30," is the shouted reply. The penn then helpfully lists every P.O. in the area and whether or not they do passports. He explains that one branch does them from 4 to 5 but they don't want anyone doing them after 4:30. He explains that he doesn't know any of the other P.O. passport operating times. He explains that this is already a strange day. He explains that it isn't even a full moon. He explains that he's not even sure if it's a full moon or not. He explains long enough for the first woman to finish with her paperwork and get back in front of me.

At first, he told the first woman her envelope would arrive tomorrow by 3pm. The woman said that would be fine. Now the computer is saying the envelope will arrive by noon tomorrow. The penn is concerned. The woman says that noon is fine but the penn takes no notice. I can already see myself explaining to the tax authorities that my taxes were late because I was stuck in line at the post office for 9 nine days.

Just when all hope is lost, it is my turn. This will be qick as I know exactly what I want to do.

me: I want to send this Cetified and this First Class I say.
penn: Certified'll cost you $2.40 plus the postage whatever that comes out as.
me: OK, that's fine.
penn: You got a computer?
me: Wha? Uh, yeah.
penn (turning the Certified form towards me): If you type this here number in at our website, usps.com, it'll tell you when the letter was delivered.
me: OK, great.
penn: You don't want no Return Reciept?
me: No, just Certified is fine.
penn: Ok, then, how about this one [picking up the package]. Certified also?
me: No, just first class.
penn. Anything in here breakable?
me: It's just a stuffed animal.
penn [after typing on the computer]: First Class'll probably get it there Thursday. For a dollar fifty more, it'll probably get there Wednesday.
me: Probably Thursday is probably fine.
penn: Alrighty. Any stamps?
me: No stamps, thanks.
penn: Alright, anything else?
me: No, that's it. [please, please, please, let that be it.]
penn: That'll be $5.82.
(I hand him $6.)
penn: Eighteen cents is your change. And here's your receipt. Thank you. You have a nice day.
me: Thanks, you too.

Time: 8:16.

I go to pull out of the parking lot but the nearby traffic light just switched and I have to wait a minute for things to clear. I then miss the light. I also just miss the next light. After it turns green, I head across the bridge to DING, DING, DING, DING. It's a train! Yeah! I can't help but laugh.

Can You Beat My Monkey?

The new phone book is here! The new phone book is here!

Actually, it's not that exciting. It's the new hurricane prediction from CSU. William Gray (noted hurricane predicter) is predicting nine, yes NINE, hurricanes this season.

Much of the news coverage of this "event" has changed this slightly, announcing there will be nine hurricanes this season. Even better is when they imply that the US will be hit with nine hurricanes this season. Nothing better than a little FUD to get those ratings up.

If you are wondering how accurate these forecasts are (as I did) the AP has provided a helpful graph showing that over the last 6 years, the forecasts are basically useless. Why does the news even cover this guy? How much worse do his forecasts have to get for before he is ignored by the media? A monkey could do better.

And to prove it, I took my Superfly Screaming Woot Monkey and shot him up my stairs. He landed on the 10th stair and so clearly:

My monkey predicts 10 hurricanes this season.

How many years does my monkey have to beat Mr. Gray before the media will cover my monkey?

My monkey predicts...TEN YEARS!

What Is The Airspeed Velocity Of An Unladen Swallow?

To increase the security of some account I have, I will now have to answer a security question from either Group A, B or C. The good news is, I get to pick the question. The bad news is, I can't or don't want to remember the answer to these questions. Let's take a look.

Group A:Who remembers the name of their first grade teacher?
Who wants to remember where their wedding reception was?
Thirty years ago, there were only four or five pet names. That's not secure.
Like I only have one hobby?
My favorite teacher was my first grade teacher and I don't even remember her name!
Highest mountain? That will (hopefully) change but even if it didn't I have no idea what was the highest.
Favorites change more often than highest mountain tops.

Group B:Favorite restaurant would be Hali'imaile General Store but I just spent ten minutes Googling to figure out how to spell it.
Most unusual job? I'd have to say ice and Altoids.
If you grew up in Florida, your favorite place was Disney.
What if I'm the youngest?
Anything that started with a silent G.
Who am I? Silent Gbob?
Who makes these stupid questions up?

Group C:Curse words are not accepted.
The guy who invented curse words.
Shouldn't that be "Who"?
Bleached general purpose.
Yeah, yeah. The one where my favorite teacher, what's-her-name, taught. Oooh, it's right on the tip of my tongue.
Do people older than 20 have favorite songs?
Any place that sells Altoids and ice.